and im officially 26th.

i look back and i see not much had been done in 25th. no milestone. nothing much to say about it.

i didn't move any closer to any dreams. i didn't in particular make more friends. i dont exactly grow as much as i was in 24th. and my birthday wish last year didn't come true.

let's change it now. for this 26th. let's start by promising to be kind to everybody. and not to allows any soul to bring me down. no matter what.

a step closer. i think i am a step closer to open my heart again.

a year. almost a year. that's how long it takes.

hopefully i get to be friend with you, to travel with you, and share many things with you.

'God will makes everything beautiful in its time' have faith girl.

thanks God for my bangkok trip, it was the best holiday trip ever. seriously.

i made a good arrangements, my work was properly arranged before i left, and also i had a good rest before departure. i love the hostel and it was super cheap. 

and above all, i travelled with the best companion ever. my soul sister whom i had known for 10 years by now.

and Universe had protected us throughout the journey too. the korean hostel-room mate said it had been raining for the past few days but the next day it was all sunny. which allowed us to proceed with our initial plans =)

and the best thing about travelling with her probably will be that no matter how tired we get, we can still talk about something that could lighten up our mood. 

so, im back to bangkok five years later, to fulfil my promise during my first visit.

im back to bangkok without achieving any of my targets back then. except maybe to study at western country.

so i made new goal, and i will be going back when i turn 30 =)

Donald Trump said, THINK BIG and Will Smith said, PROTECT YOUR DREAM

this morning i went out to meet a very old friend, to catch up with her. she is currently in the midst of preparing for her marriage. so long hasn't talk to her.

she is one of the coolest headed- confident- dont give a shit-kind of girl. clear cut and decisive.

so much to learn from her. a very inspiring breakfast talk.

she shared with me her insight. and pointed out few times that there's no perfect match couple. the character wont match or click instantly. it will need lots of work to make it work. that's the point of a relationship.

and also i realize, i cannot afford to bring him up anymore. it still hurt and i am still sad thinking, at the back of my mind, wishing for the unnecessary thing. i will not talk about him to any friend anymore from this day onward.

i get dishearten easily. i feel out of place easily. and i feel rejected easily.

but i want to change all that, to become stronger and emotionally independent. confident.

and because im this way, i have to work harder than other people.

so much fighting the voices in my head that's constantly dragging me down.

Tonight's radio topic is about first love, or public transport love encounter.

there's a lady who called in to tell about how she caught a guy's eyes. she was in the bus, he was at the bus stop. this was her first love story.

it turned out that he lived in the same floor, and his sister was her friend. but she had not been noticing him because she worked in the day time and went to night school. so they hardly bumped into each other. but that was term break. so they met.

it also turned out that her younger sister had a crush on him. and subsequently, her cousin sister who came for a visit also fell for him. (awww. the DJ started asking, he must be very handsome!!)

but despite all of that, the guy had been trying his best to showed her his intention. like how once they were all having activity together. he purposely went home to change his attire to something similar of that lady's. noticing that, she quickly went home to change to something else because she felt her younger sister was very unhappy about it. but-he quickly went to change for the second time, insisting the couple-look-attire.

(aww,so seeeeweeeettt)

but to her back then, family was her priority so she ended it because didn't want her younger sister to be upset.

---
btw, when i was in singapore, i often see a very cute guy riding on the same bus as i was. he boarded before my stop and get down after my stop.

he always dress up casual. just tshirt and jeans. i think he can't be an office worker. and i used to have a very late office check in hour, so it was around 9.30 in the morning when i usually caught the bus., 20 mins ride.

sometimes, i met him on bus when i went home. definitely he works somewhere around my office area too.

this kind of things makes you wonder isn't it?

another congratulation to my dear girlfriend!! i am really really happy for you!

around the time i was very sad, i happened to know that she was also having heart break moment. we catch up and she told the story of a guy was caught between two girls. a very unhappy story.

i haven't catch up with her for months and suddenly i saw her facebook post up happy photos with her new man. a very good looking one too ;)

she looks so happy and blissful, and i can't help but smiling ear to ear too.

thank you for giving me hope. really.

God will make everything beautiful in it's time.

im not sure if it is pms, or because i haven't been talking with friends for the past weeks i got all cranky.

yesterday a thought passed my head.

'do people born shy or conditioned into it?' -i quickly answer it myself. 'they are born that way.'

then i thought, 'i wish i wasn't born shy.'

then there's another thought answering: 'but you have a life time opportunity to work on it girl.'

since i was small, i never like the idea of big birthday party. i prefer just 4 of us. that will do.

partly because i was very shy. i don't have many friends and i don't enjoy crowd.

partly maybe i just want us, small celebration.

---
now there's a japanese sushi restaurant open here.

i asked dad and mom to go try it tonight and they said they want to invite their friends too.

but it is then cancelled because their friends couldn't make it.

i am upset. it feels like it is not good enough if it is just with me.

i think what i like about Dating Agency Cyrano is that the lead actress knows clearly that she likes him and be very clear about it, although there's another hunk chasing after her.

i like her optimism, how she bravely and confidently confronted him, and even purposely move closer to him even though he has rejected her (although he is showing that he cares in his actions)

maybe it feels like that she ended up finding her happiness because she works hard through opening his heart. that kind of thing everybody dream of: if you work hard, you will surely earn it.

but we all know it might be true for work but not for heart. sometimes, it doesn't work that way.

but surely everything will lead you to the right one. right? i have to believe.

recently i watched a nice korean drama =) it's been a while since i found a nice one!

light comedy, and i didn't expect the lead actress acting is pretty good =) the chemistry with the lead actor was there too. only later that i found out that he is 24 years older than her!

oh well, he isn't good looking either, but i really enjoy the flow.

recommended: Dating Agency Cyrano

from clothing to my work to how i talk to EVEN HOW I LAUGH

you said it was all ugly.

i can't belief it's even to my choice of music.

i dont think i can ever love anybody who is that different from me, and who keeps criticizing me.

at most, i can only not hate you. that's at most.

congratulation to my dear friend who had found her new happiness!

you has given me a new hope, made me smiling ear to ear and lend me the courage that i need in order to move on.

knowing bits of your heart break story, you was once a ship wrecked in a middle of a storm. but that was all in the past now. really really really happy for you! you know that right?

-----
last month i mentioned that he finally stopped replying to my mail. i thought, finally, it wasn't me who give up this time. it is understandable that you do not wish to continue this random chat. but i saw his reply today.

he should have just left it there. really.

i thought of scolding him. or just delete it. 'is this a battle of the wit?'

nay, i think it's sort of a test. i replied him short.

today, im no longer curious or having lots of things i want to say or i want to know about him. today, im no longer feeling hurt imagining him with another girl. today, after seeing his recent photos with a pretty young lady-who was clearly declaring her interest in him in her body language & displaying their intimacy- i can wish him well. good luck with that pretty lady or anybody else.

and today, i can understand that the guy and girl can be just friend. or brother-sister type of love.

today, i think i can start to look for my new happiness.

Have i ever mentioned that there's a particular drama that i really like, despite it wasn't popular?

i thought, if only i could be as brave as the lead actress. i want to be that brave when it come to being honest with my own feeling.

and i kinda like the gentle, serious -lead actor.

have i ever mentioned that my story with him, turns out to be a very similar replica to that drama? in a very strange way, it did. i turned to become that brave character whom i admired, and i also turned to become as complicated as she was when she discovered that her husband's first love is his best friend. and she was so depressed because back then she overheard how her husband believes that he can only fall in love once in this life time.

and at the end she ruined her own brightness and confident with insecurity about how different she is from his first love and that she couldn't compete or even get close to that image.

--
just now i thought of the kind of comic if i were to become the writer. there's always a character in my head who lead a simple life and started to take notice about how simple messages from a friend has been cheering her up. quietly and slowly, he took up a space in her heart.

now that i think about it, it really happened to me in my real life too.

out of these stories in my head, i have never have an ending for them. i didn't have the courage to write a good ending the girl in my stories deserves.

---
moral of my story? your inner world creates your outer world.

"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you is nothing when compared to what lies within you"
Robin Sharma , The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari.

may i soon gain the wisdom that i need to properly and fully let my heart understand that up and downs are just what it is. that he is just like a sunset scene. fleeting. mesmerizing, but not to be hold on to.

i wonder how long more will it takes to clear it out. all of it.

doors and goodbye

in the book im currently reading, there's a line that intrigue me:

when one door closes, Universe will make sure another one opens.

it says, it's just the natural law.

it works well for my freelancing work. really.

now i have to stop looking behind. if we will meet again one day, i have to believe it is for the better. if we dont, then it is also for the better.

i had also just finished 'think like a man act like a lady' inside, it shows how a man shows his affection in a form different from the way girls do it. how to identify it. how to appreciate it.

if i had read that book before, i would have known how he felt about me and wont be left so much in doubt about one sided feeling.

but again, everything happens for a reason.

at least, now i know. and still so much more to keep learning about.

so, goodbye..

failed plan

my plan failed. seems that he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.

to be honest, by knowing that he felt the same as i do, childish and self centred, i feel so much lighter.

it really surprise me that he apologize first before i could say it, although just by text message. what he said was exactly what i will say. that i was childish and only focus on my own feeling.

no wonder it didn't work out for us.

by knowing that it wasn't wholly my fault, i can forgive myself better now.

so it's been a week since i started talking to him casually.

i wonder if i should write a proper explanation, explaining why i approached him so carelessly when it was me myself and i who said i would keep a distance from him.

should i make my intention clear or just keep it to myself now?

my intention? i just want us to be friend again. no hard feeling. no regret.

it is very sad to see haze is covering singapore. and flood flooding some areas of jakarta. at the same time i feel blessed that none of this happens when im in the towns. so protected by the Universe. thank you very much. really.

once, my college teacher told me to write down my thoughts when im brainstorming or when im confused. tying them down to a paper is a best way to rearrange that bundle of mess.

i had started random short greetings with him this morning. i keep reminding myself, do not fall for him again. just correct your mistake. put no other expectation, that's your downfall. no donkey fall in the same pit twice. but im tired of being a coward. my heart is tired of being afraid. yet im afraid of contacting him. afraid of his reaction. afraid of what will become, will i create more hurts to both of us? 

...

writing this down make me realize that im at very least make a small step towards changing my heart condition instead of sitting and be a victim. im doing it despite of my fear.

im home!

after 10 days of holiday, it is time to (re)collect money and saving up for my next holiday.

thank you Lord for your continuous protection, You had kept me save from everything: the rain, flood, accidents, con artists, kidnapper, snatch thieves ect ect.

i caught up with old friends, foods, and shopping. and i was introduced to two very tasty dishes that has lengthen my food list. one is a roasted dug leg from SAVEUR singapore and another one is steak from HOLY COW jakarta.

the highlight of this journey is seeing the church door opened at the tune of the piano, and saw my dear high school friend in a beautiful white gown, with her dad on her right, marched toward the groom. she was beaming with joy, obviously feeling blessed looking at the audiences inside her wedding ceremony.

and also laughing my heart out, randomly at random stuffs with both of my darlings. Inside a department store, we were walking together side by side when i suddenly said, 'ah! so pretty!' and i walked toward a bag, while my darling on the left rush to the left and my daring on the right walk to the right side, and i looked around to find them both starring at different items and said, 'yes,so pretty right?'

i also met up with him. and unknowingly, i realize i still have huge regret about us. a big sense of guilt. totally unfinished and totally not over him yet.

as for now, at least im glad that im forced to face this fact only 8 months late. not 8 years late.

and as for now, im not really sure what to do to overcome my regret. to get over him. may Universe open up some clues for me as to what i have to do, and courage for me to actually do whatever needed.

almost everything is packed, ticket printed, meeting arranged =)

even accommodations are cleared, thanks to generous girlfriends.

3 friends already mentioned that they will introduce me their guys =) im feeling relieved, happy, flattered and envious at the same time.

because i had heard their past stories of hearts being broken. now they proved me that hearts can heal. and the better one awaits ahead.

can't wait!

this cat is stolen from a friend's facebook page.

he is my desktop wallpaper now. i want to hug this little fellow so bad!

every now and then i felt like he is saying, 'what? it is not finished yet?' or 'so, you going to continue watching drama instead of working?' and made me feel guilty...

it is funny how i dislike cat yet i cant resit and kept falling for cute cats pictures shared online.

somebody re-draw this picture above and added a hat, a pair of boots and a sword. totally loving it!

<3 p="">

i am currently re-watching 'We Got Married' korean variety shows. 

when i meet him, i would like us to celebrate 22nd days together, 222 days together hahahaha

there was a wish to wear old high school uniform and go out on a date wearing that..hahhaha i think im late for that. i wish i had the courage to be in a relationship back then. how priceless it would have been.

and i will remember to make journals. make handmade gifts. cook things for him.

support and assist him. 

and be patient.

really really patient.

and remember to do pull and push. 

the kind of love i wish to find in my husband is

the quite kind. a soft one. warm one.

there's no need to speak everything out. there's no need for continuous non stop conversation.

but we will try to understand each other. putting ourselves in each other's shoes.

there's no need to feel, 'im the superior one' -'you should follow my lead'

there's no need to 'you are so stupid, what can you do WITHOUT ME??'

there's no need for that. really.

today im thankful for the foods that i have, for the air that i breath, for the sun that shines on us, and for the clean water access that i have.

for the air con to protect me from the hot humid weather. for the internet that connects me to some friends out there.

and btw, yesterday a friend came barging in and said, 'im sad'

so naturally, i asked why. and there he went all the way pouring in what kind of blow he had received from a girl he fancy.

im perplexed that these days there's still people want to know my opinion about their love life. i mean, im not in a relationship myself, who is this fool that come asking for my opinion?

but he said he felt enlightened. because i asked, 'why should your track record defines who you are-or who you will be tomorrow?' because he seemed...proudly announcing some negative aspect of himself.

i didn't know i could come out with that kind of sentence. that's Universe's working to him through me. i really wish he would not be so easily disheartened again.

im glad he came barging in with his story. im glad to know i could pass on the good deeds that i had received from other friends who had kindly heard me out when i was in trouble myself.

so if any of you perhaps needed any random ears (or eyes lol coz we are chatting) if ever you wish to be heard-randomly. maybe...could try mine.

today i am thankful for the electricity, it has allowed me to do things i want to do.

and i am thankful for the peace of mind that helped me to finish what i had abandoned for few weeks.

well, actually. it was a piece of comment i heard from my contractor. it fuels my spirit and 'i will do my best and i wont disappoint my client anymore. i want to improve my service' that's what i thought when i heard that piece of embarrassing comment...

and thank you to mom, recently she had been gentle although i am currently sick. usually when any of us sick, she got twice harsher. im just relieved she isn't this time.

thank you..

I feel sad when it turns out that -me, rearranging brother's room (i change the position of the bed and wardrobe) had led to dad and mom quarrelling for days.

i change it to a better position according the knowledge i gathered from reading fengshui books. the door opens to (hit) the bed head, and it is a coffin position (facing main door)

but after few days of rearranging stuffs back to it's original position, i found out that mom is absolutely reluctant to change old position. or throw away unnecessary stuffs.

to me, there's some drawers that could be used for other purpose, and rather than listening to my proposal she only wants to be back to how it was.

if there's a better way of using the space, why not? it was fine the way it was, or was it?

im tired. and i was sincere offering help to cook last night's dinner and she rudely shoved me away. is my cooking that bad?

thank you Universe, for teaching me something new again.

it is true that i have heard, 'you create your outer world from your mind/ instead of responding or reacting to it, take a step forward to create it'- those sorts of words.

honestly, never truly understand them actually.

i had been coughing since early this week, and yesterday it took for the worst. feverish and constantly coughing with yellow mucus non stop coming out- i simply turned into a coughing monster.

i had been looking forward to this friday night. a friend's birthday dinner. everybody will be there and it would be fun and i simply do not want to miss it.

but seeing my condition, by my estimation it would need more than a day to recover.

"right, how can i go? i shouldn't go. i would scare everybody off with my cough"
"sigh, but i want to go. -oh well, but i shouldn't, really"

in between my afternoon naps, i was back at my laptop to draw slowly and listening to Louise Hay on youtube. i can't clearly remember which sentence, but it told me to clearly visualize what i want, not simply going around reacting to my outer world.

"hmnn? so my coughing is my outer world reality. while inside, i want to instantly recover and be at the bday dinner without coughing a single cough"
"oh dear, impossible! you shouldn't go, dont go around spreading bacteria"
"i dont think i can recover this fast"
"but i wish to be there together with them"
"CAN YOU PLEASE MAKE UP YOUR MIND?!"

it's funny, i did cough once or twice during the dinner but it is really the first time ever for me to recover that quick from my fever. i knew that laughter could help me to recover faster and i laughed alot during the dinner. creating memories with them, that is way more important than my whim over little fever.

thank you for this lesson universe. i should go on stronger on mastering my own mind.

Thank you for the group of friends that i had been hanging out with recently. well, i had been with them for the past year, but recently they created a group chat in Line, and somehow to me it feels more like a real group. it feels good to be a part of something. a sense of community. or unity.

but it doesn't necessary make me any closer personally to any of them.

but i will just enjoy this while it last. after all, we are all hitting the age of starting to settling down. who knows how much longer we can hang out like this.

so thank you!

it is surprising, to realize that i had been thinking,

'the client wont be able to pay that amount. dont scare them away. lower your price'

oh geeh. i m going to vibrate a new thought.

'of course they can pay it. it is a sensible amount! i totally deserve it =)'

otherwise, i wont be able to increase my income & my inner capacity.

btw, thank you universe for making me realize that and introducing me another new client =)

few days ago i saw him online on facebook. i was reading documents, but i thought...just let my facebook page on. and he pm-ed me.

we had a chat, like normal friend, catching up. the biggest difference between him and my other friends laid in one question,

'what your future plan?/ what's your plan now?'

especially with my local friends, we seemed to be only running around talking light hearted stuffs, nonsense joking, empty words.

it's really good that once in a while there's someone with whom you can share some meaningful talks.

and it is really good to know that my heart is quite now. no more longing or false hope.

let's just see where the wind will bring me to.

im thankful for the good working attitude from the workers that are currently repainting my home. they are neat and quite, and they arrive on time. and unlike most of the local construction workers who like to spend a long afternoon break, they are not.

im very thankful for this group of people, thank you.

and i had received the full payment from clients i mentioned before, without me needing to remind them about it. thank you very much!

without realizing it, it's already mid of may. holiday coming soon!

i kinda understand why the plan to go redang fails. politically unstable, it is best not to visit malaysia until they sorted out their political issue. i pray that everybody is safe and sound.

so thank you universe. thank you for your constant guidance and protection.

now i waiting to understand why do i also happen to have to go singapore on my own...

---
on seperate story, i happened to look into my maid's room and i saw my comic book there. i didn't lend it to her, nor she has ever borrowed it from me.

it makes me uneasy, because i couldn't really keep track of my comic books by now. they are all inside a bookshelves, but recently we are doing a whole house repaint work so we took the books out to move the cabinet. and i saw her putting them back with an uneasy feeling.

i dont really fancy people touching or removing my stuffs. first, i prefer to do it by myself so that i know exactly what-is-where. secondly, i have to admit, i have a low level of trust for new young maid.

but she is a wonderful house keeper. super clean and super neat. but i just feel uneasy seeing her rearrange stuffs inside drawers and shelves at my bro's room. (did mom ask her to do that? i doubt so, because my mom is the type that cares nothing about the neatness of the stuffs inside a closed door) from the first day, i had told mom to tell her to leave my room alone. my mom goes like 'what? has anything gone missing already??' (=,=)

today, mom came asking me if i had seen her facial cream. she said she couldn't locate her nail clippers. she asked me to becareful.

seems like i tend to have stronger instinct.

hmnn.

it's a ffk game :( now everyone who initially said will travel together...cancelled.

ah, haiz.

am i mean to do this alone? roaming down sg road -once more, alone? universe, i wish to travel with a friend. or friends. travelling all by myself is not fun. i do not wish to do that anymore..............sigh.

bought my ticket! im ready for june!

lol, except accomodation in sg hehehehe. will soon figuring it out!

thanks God!

thank you, it come out alright =)

time flies.

end of april.

i want to say thank you for the good fortune that comes one after another, so that i am not too overwhelmed by work. im currently waiting for my two old clients to pay up the remaining sum.

thank you for allowing me to know as many as three souls with whom i can openly show them my ugly sides.

recently talking to one of them has helped me to get back on my feet when i slipped again thinking about some unnecessary pain.

yesterday i had the luxury of watching fishes swimming here and there inside a big beautiful aquarium. oh my...what a joy....their graceful body movement, some silly attitudes, interesting body patterns, all of them. it was indeed a luxury to be able to watch them without worrying about any other things.

so thank you.

few days ago i decided to do something about my guilt of not be a much help to dad and mom. so i go down to the office and decided to help tidying up the coins.

sometimes, customers pay using coins. sometimes it is had been sorted, sometimes it is all mixed. 100, 200, 500, 1000 coins all jumbled up. Indonesia has two types of 100, of 500 and of 1000. Banks require us to separate them before banking them in.

there's a simple guideline. which is for Rp 100 coin each pack must round up to Rp 50.000- Rp 200 must be Rp 100.000 and so on.

to my delight i managed to found few packages that didn't need much work on- i just need to combine them. some need extraction and combination to reach the specific amount. usually they are 50k, 30k, 20k, 10k ect.

and then i found one odd package, 52k. i was prepared to take out 2k when i found another package, 48k.

i was surprised and delighted. yay, skip all the tedious counting for extraction or addition! one more pack down!

i don't know why, but it felt meaningful.

those two odd packages, they aren't that odd after all. they just need the right partner.

and they added up into one perfect 100k pack.

 it might not be visible now, but im sure he is out there, that one person that it is as odd as i am.

when things happen for a reason, and that you realize there's a meaning behind it, stay awake.

i could attracts the money that i need, the parking lot that i need, the weather, but i had never ever thought about the kind of relationship my mom and i should be.

all i did was complaining, and remembering hurtful feelings she made me felt. and this morning i get another bad experience.

each time it happened i said to myself, im sick of this, i want to get out of this house. but look at where i am still.

but now each time i feel bad, instead of numbing myself with watching dramas or comic that pull me further from reality, i go to youtube and listen to self-heal-talks.

this video is a good one.

i am soooo thankful that finally my client said they like my exterior design. thank you universe, now i gain more confident designing exterior =D

and it is all thanks to dad's simple question: 'have you check out the site yet?'

and so i went to take a look, have a better understanding of the surrounding, what's on the left or right or back side of the house.

and i am thankful that i dont need a doctor to certified my boobs that they are authentic. hehe.

i found it funny and pitiful for actress nowdays that they find the need to have their boobs certified by a doctor.

-a certified real boobs- LOL poor thing. entertainment circle...

http://sg.entertainment.yahoo.com/news/lin-chi-lings-breasts-certified-095000925.html

that sneaker story maybe is to remind me not to think too much about mr. right who has yet to appear.

btw, i think if the next time you are sad and you found something that could cheer you up and take your mind away from your problems, that is something you must take note of.

for me, design is that one thing that no matter how upset i am, if i start browsing and looking at all those pretty interiors, architecture or landscaping, i feel excited and happy. and in love.

so thank you universe for allowing me to work on something that i really love.

today im thankful

without planning it, i managed to buy a pair of new sneaker. i saw it at mantos, but they didn't have my size. deep down i was sure i can find it at megamas. i didn't plan it or thinking about it, but today somehow universe arrange it for me. i was there, with the money, within a moment, and they have my size.

so thank you.

on the afternoon i took out the book that i brought last year at sg (sigh, not even half-read)

it revolved too much on advertising and graphic design, i wish it is more on general design. but the author's word of encouragement is applicable to any business. basically he said -trust yourself, your own instinct and judgement no matter how it is judged by the others.

because he proved some of the weirdest ideas he had had became among the most remarkable piece of work in advertising history (well, im not well versed in that) but his confidence really struck me. he made me believe in his words.

be confident girl, be a confident girl.

My head is kinda messy now.

dad just inform me that something i am dreaming about and looking forward to is cancelled. that is one dream that i thought is finally coming true, and he said mom decided to cancel it.

my dream got further away. 

i think i am sad.

the cloudy weather made me kinda moody and feeling manja.

today i m thankful for the cloudy cool weather.

sadly, one of our worker quits, and that has made another one saying he is quitting too. the problem with the first one is that he smartly avoided the questioning by saying he is going home to visit his sickly grandmother.

the second one aren't as lucky. we try to hold him back by saying you should give us some consideration by allowing a certain period of time for us to find a replacement before you leave. yeah, i think it is a fair rule to give one month notice before leaving.......

and of this issue the most unlucky one could be dad and i. because mom can never cope with any kind of stress especially regarding not having maid/ worker at home. so she is starting slashing and being rude to me already.

luckily i have a secret charm. my trip to redang! ;)

today im thankful

i get a new client, he is my cousin's boyfriend. my up and coming -cousin in law.

it's a 3 level shophouse, with the characteristic of apartment because of the size.

thank you universe for keep pouring money and design opportunities. i need it for my travel fund ;)

and i found what i want to give for my brother's bday. hahahha, i told him i will pay for a trip to bangkok =D he just need to pay for his own shopping. i really hope he could come along, it would be fun shopping with him because he is a good bargain-er hehehehhe. and he is so fashion conscious. and he got few thailand friends =D

i also received email from my bestfriend, who always encourage me and give support, listen to me whine.

so thank you for today Universe. i will love myself better and prepare myself for the coming ordeal. i mean, holiday ;)

REDANG IM COMING!

=D hope that everybody will get along, and it would be a memorable beach trip, full of laughter and sunshine.

i pray that the weather will be great, the sea will be calm and we could spot many beautiful fishes

i should start packing little stuffs =D

and i must stop letting anger getting hold of me.

today i am thankful

for the simple breeze that come cheering me up

for the electricity and the aircon to chill me up

for the smooth internet that opens up informations that entertain me up

i bake brownie today. it is very simple and the texture was great. but taste wise it isn't great, probably i need to experiment with another brand's chocolate.

lately im slipping away. i thought of him again and there's anger and disappointment. i wonder alot, and i am sadden. it is so easy to provoke my mind into thinking that im unworthy. and into thinking many, many pointless arguments. they are running around in my head.

funny, i dont even think i miss him anymore.

today i am very thankful

i talked to my ex colleague whom i know had been to Redang few times to ask for his advice.

and asking him if he would like to go there together and he said yes! he would love to have an escape too!

and seeing my schedule to attend wedding early June at Sg, and i think mom and dad wont like it if i fly here and there seperately, therefore! i set to go to redang before the wedding!

thanks God im so certain i can go and touch this legendary water in more than a month's time!!!

=D so happy!

i think i slipped, and i am sorry.

shouldn't let outward experiences define my inner mood.

saw a post, although i dont really agree to everything in there, but i really agree to these lines.

thank you that i am out of it already.

HEAR WHAT OPRAH WINFREY HAD TO SAY ABOUT MEN

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. 
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. 
Look for someone complimentary...not supplementary. 

string along: To keep (someone) waiting or in a state of uncertainty.

she endlessly keep saying that im no good, while on the other hand she has never given me either the support that i need.

but along the way i made generous people who had given me their encouragements, who told me that im good enough for whatever im doing. and also hearing friends' stories of how they too lack of encouragement from their parents yet they managed to see past through it.

so i really dont need her support anymore. whether she agrees or oppose to my work, it wont stop me from moving. because i had seen past the issue of 'you are my mother you should be the most supportive one'

when we can pull down those labels, how people should behave, the control freak within ourselves- i think our heart will be much lighter.

my mom said she admitted her preference on my brother. dotting him more. she said i forced her to say this. 

as if it is new to me. as if i can't tell. but in these past years i began to notice why my brother is a better person than i am. so, it's normal if she loves him more. 

who said a mother's love is unconditional? it's basic that human will treat whoever treat them good-better. 

parents who provoke siblings rivalry are ugly. downright ugly.

I FEEL SO STUPID that after designing everything, i actually forgot to design a working space for the owner. GEEE oh em gee, how could this happen.

i was too busy thinking about the walk in wardrobe, damn.

sigh. stupidity.

Today im grateful that God has always sent me safely to my destinations.

and i had an amazing afternoon, swimming under rainbow, right after a rain.

again, i saw how beautiful this little town im living in. thank you Lord.

i think im really over him. there's no more longing, no more wanting his reply. it doesn't hurt anymore when i look in my inbox and found no new mail.

it's a quite feeling. simply quite.

4 months. it took me 4 months.

I am so thankful to my generous friends, who easily help me out when i reach out to them.

the temple is raising fund for an upcoming event and my cousin asked me to sell food coupons. she passed me 10 coupons in total.

out of 11 friends i asked from, only one shy away from it.

again, it might seems trivial, but to me this is the first time i bravely try to sell something to people whom i wasn't sure how they would react to it. i keep remembering what dad always told our sales, 'dont begin by being disheartened even before you speak out. if you dont try you will never know what's the result'

the first three are friends whom i know wont refuse me. but turn out the rest are very generous too.

so thank you, because you all had helped me personally beyond raising this fund.

as usual, mom started by saying, 'so you sell none of it huh?'

thank you (patting myself) that neither proud or annoyed, i said, 'i managed to sell some'

*pat myself again =)

in dec 2007, i wrote 'how do i know if it's love? it is like waiting for a guest without knowing how he looks like'

5 years afterwards, im still do not have the answer.

i think i will know when i found it.

today im very grateful

i woke up to a very strange feeling. relieved.

sorta understand what my bestie was asking, 'are you relieved now?'

recently i had been very cengeng. forgotten what's the english for that. sentimental. keep feeling that i want to cry. and i cried.

---
the book im reading now reminds me to be good to whoever im with right now.

most of the time i forgot, that person is me. myself. and i.

nowdays i pat myself when i managed to hold back my anger or when i walk out to do my work despite the ever growing laziness.

it works, and hopefully friend, you will pat yourself too when you do something good.

today im thankful

for he replied one more time which allowed me to give a graceful ending by saying 'i wish you all the best and have a nice monday'

it is trivial, but to me it helps me to forgive myself a little bit more. so, thank you very much.

---
the book im reading now said, when there's nothing you can do, relax. it tells the story in a form of a testimonial from a monk who was dragged away by the current when he swim. he tried to fight against it but it didn't bring him any closer to the shore. so he relax, allowing the current to take him further, before he felt the right moment to start pouring all of his energy to swim back to the shore. that's when he felt the sea quite down a little.

i really like the part the writer highlighted 'it requires a tremendous courage to allow yourself to be swept further away from the shores' a very strong mind indeed not to panic under circumstances.

the monk reached the beach safely, and it had taken all of his energy. if he hadn't relaxed and save up his energy by not fighting against the sea, he would still be dragged away and would be left with no more energy to swim back to the land.

regarding my love life, there's nothing i can do now beside relax and learning to love myself better. although im getting older day by day, i believe that i shouldn't settle for the second best. despite the longing to stop floating and reached a shore, i will wait till i see the right one.

Yesterday i realize how good my skin is, all thanks to SK II and genetic gift from dad & mom.

And my hair fall seems to have gotten better,

and im thankful that my body does listen to me well. The moment i said to myself , 'let's regain that 2kgs that we had shed' i started to feel hungry and look for food. Universe helped me out by changing our old catering to a new- super delicious catering. God bless whoever that had cooked those meals!

And also, thank you to a dear friend who had heard my whines.
she reminded me to not lose heart 'that just like finding a partner, so is finding a friend. not having it now doesn't mean there's none to come along in the future'

Recently the voice in my head kept telling me that im not desirable and not good enough that's why people dont want to be my friends. Thanks for reminding me that it is not true.

loving myself is the hardest thing to do. or rather, stay loving myself is the hardest thing to maintain.

today i have a confession to made. i had been cheeky.

so i said happy birthday to him. he replied. and i throw in more questions. he still replied. that's up to today, there's no more email from him.

i told my bestie about it. i didn't expect her to say 'are you relieved now?'

i said, 'i suppose'

it's good to know we can still talk casually. it is also good to know i am starting to forgive myself.

it's good that he doesn't continue replying any further.

today im grateful

i had a call with my bestie who told me all of her frustration regarding her boyfriend.

i could tell that he is still immature and unable to act gracefully in front of a tired and annoyed girl. he criticize her at the time when she needed just to be heard. and although he was absolutely right, it lead them unto a quarrel. so, she is sad and kept repeating that he didn't reach up to her expectation.

each time i talked to her, i always feel that she helped me to bring out the better side of me. i dont know how, i ended up telling her that it's just her ego standing in the way. yet i dont think she should crawl back and apologize to him. because it seems that he uses excuses and reluctant to face her.

we then always back to the popular belief, 'if i forgive him, wouldn't that just made me the loser?' or 'he would have easily taken me for granted again' and 'i wonder if he worth all of these efforts'

i dont know about alot of things, but im sure that all those efforts wont go wasted. she got to kept those lessons with her.

i ended up somehow linking the story of the water pump. i dont know how, but i tell her that all those hassles aren't pointless. mistakes, repeated actions, energy spent, they are to be the part of the grander plan.

we both drew conclusion that this is a battle to win ourself. all those efforts are not for anybody but our own growth. so, it is most definitely worth it. right?

today im grateful

i received payment for my work =) and on top of that my client said he showed my work to his mother in law and she likes it, but she suggest to make the working table in the bedrooms to be full height for extra storage.

and finally today, we fixed the poor water pump. it had been soaked for whole two days under soil after the landslide hit my backyard. it took two days for my employees to dig it up, clean it up, and a total one month to clear the area and redo the piping installation.

a total 5 technicians (or sort of technicians) had came and gone and gave 5 whole different suggestions.

i guess everything is part of the learning. finally after fixing everything that we could and we still aren't satisfied, we look for one more solution and BAM! the last guy came and after hearing we had replaced everything he could mentioned, he opened the bottom part of the pump and there's lot of soil sitting inside which blocked one particular tiny hole.

that tiny hole had prevented the water to push upward to fill our water tank. he cleaned it up, put everything back, and voila!

so guys, i had learned which brand is a good one, which one is quite good, which one has a soft sound, what do they mean with capacity (daya hisap vs daya tolak) and few categories that they have. so next time i wont be too dumb when i have to pop by to buy water pump =) so im really glad! (and also learned few arguments about the installation. what you could use but might not be really useful.)

yesterday i was thankful for an outing with an old friend and her friends.

i felt excessively tired these few days, maybe because i just pass my period. or maybe im used to thinking 'my body needs more rest for regeneration' that's why.

when i was confused and reluctant, suddenly i remember that i asked God to let me meet new friends.

it went well...we went to karaoke (my dreadful place) (but i had prepared myself for it) and the girl who sit next to me talked to me, so it was well.

and i met my new client, the jewellery shop owner. i am so glad that he seems to like my work, despite the one who outsourced me initially refuse to show my exterior work to him. she was afraid that what i did was too plain, but thankfully she changed her mind and show it anyway and the boss actually like my work.

it is very rewarding to know that my work is being appreciated. so, thank you.

today im thankful for it's another relaxing day. i finished my newest project, a renovation for jewellery shop.

and im thankful that he replied me kindly after i wished him happy birthday few days ago. and he asked how am i doing. im thankful that at least we can talk like a normal friend.

and im thankful that my bestie reminded me something,

'dont let your one or two particular situations define who you are'

i told her that recently i felt down, and hearing that she said 'no, you are better and you shouldn't listen to that voices in your head saying that you dont worth it'

im thankful.

yesterday i was thankful for people who helped me out when my car broke down.

i was on the way to the airport to pick dad up when i decided to stop by a mini market to buy some drinks.

when i was about to resume my journey, the car simply refuse to start up. without warning.

i knew it was the battery, and i try to open the hood. a man who was on the phone at the parking lot saw me and he stopped talking to help me out.

so he called out to few other men and said let's push it to the start.

but somehow they have pushed it as far as 1 km it is still no sign of revival.

i still offered some little change to one of them but he refused it, and i was taken back. i felt that he was really sincere about it and it really touched me.

'nda usa ci, kita orang juga biasa nyetir jauh2 sampe makasar, jd kita juga tau klo oto mogok bgini sendirian di jalan kan bagemana rasanya klo nda ada yg tolong'

at the end our car technician came over, open the battery cap, clean it throughout-ly, and BOOM, the car start up AGAIN.

so actually, the battery is still very healthy just that the cap is dirty.

im very thankful to those men. i can't really remember their faces, dont know their names, but i know that God knows and i wish that they always find help when they needed it, because they didn't leave me alone when i needed help the most.

today, im thankful that i got my period cramp in a rather relaxing day.

had a deal about the freelance i talked about, but with a price less than 1/3 of what i asked for.

i will see this as a good portfolio.

i miss dad alot, and when i think that i could still see him or talk to him, im thankful.

im very thankful.

today, im thankful for the awesomely hot weather.

my laundry dry almost instantly LOL

and im so thankful that my second baby is seriously looking so gorgeous. the owner is getting married this sunday, and today it already look like a very good looking show houses :p

and im thankful that another freelance landed on my way. the kind that i want and need.

thank you Universe!

I found an old notebook.

there, i wrote my boyfriend criteria. that was written back in 2009. that was 4 years ago.

i laughed at the first three.  4 out of 32 don't fit anymore.

but as i flipped to the second page (LOL YES) the rest remain the same.

and if i didn't truly understand what those words meant, now i do.

because i met a person who more or less fit into those description.

so he really exist. how wonderful!

now i would like to upgrade my list. renew it.

let us see if the next one will fit into the description........

sorry, i made some silly mistakes again.

'we can originate our thoughts, or just pick up others' thoughts.'

'you are the architect of your life, you truly are!'

'nobody could make me think of something i do not want to think!'

and

'you will never attracted something you are not in harmony with'

lately i really long to find a new -old-friend, with whom i can get connected with.

i feel pessimistic, although if i have to look at ladies at the temple, they seems to be a good group of friends now when in fact they only met few years earlier. most of them were christian converted because of their husbands. or maybe they just join in the fun, to support their hubbies' religious activity and find new friends.

just now i thought of him and his best girl. they too met randomly, outside the school, outside university, outside any religious groups. and bam! chemistry!

i really really wonder if there's anybody out there in this tiny town..........who has the same level of weirdness with me?

:(

i had been in some awkward positions today.

first, it was when my cousin pulled the younger generation into his bedroom and they all started to talk about sex. my newly wed-cousin in law told my cousin about her sex life in details, and he was laughing all the way and told us about it. my cousin in law was there confirming what he said.

the others all laugh it off, but i got so uncomfortable, i left the room :(

i told my bestie and she reminded me that we would always get caught up in this kind of situation. the solution? act as if you are interested and throw in some empty words. because you can't always have the option to run off like what i did today............

:( it's called growing up isn't it?

once in a while, you will meet a person who for some reasons would like to create some frictions to happen between you and another person.

i feel that carpenter Q is trying to do so. it appears that he thinks he would gain my sympathy by bitching about his own boss-the contractor in front of me, saying that he should just listen to me directly instead of his boss because it's my design, so i should be the one calling the shot.

his complains had happened way more than once. while he was smoking. sometimes drawings interpreted wrongly and there's site adjustment needed to be done. "if only i know earlier i would be able to anticipate this and that and bla bla bla."

although his complains are true, he MADE MISTAKES TOO despite i had made it clear in the drawings. i didn't go waste my time blaming or scolding him but cracking my head to find a solution and many times sacrificing the design. but today when things are still pretty raw he goes so reluctant adjusting to my request- and instead of working with his hands he tried to bargain his way out with his mouth.

they thinks they could polish their way smooth with their tongue.

he said he knew that i was told by his boss before not to contact the carpenter directly but to discuss problems with him so he would be aware of the situation on site too. okay, fairly noted.

but by saying this and trying to appear -i know, it sucks right??- i instantly feel his underlying intention. because my head was clear and i didn't feel i had been wrong by the contractor's request.

im tired of listening to dad and mom arguing.

:((((((((

portfolio - citraland

my client requested to change to sofa to darker shade, considering both of their girls are still toddler. (i dont want the sofa to get dirty easily)

and just now he told me to also use a darker shade in the kitchen cabinets. he said, black maybe?

WOOOwwww~ this could be exciting! it requires younger client to try black on the kitchen =)

thank you universe =)

Enca & Adit 's engagement party =) 

it's a good day. i tried ajahn brahmn method of smiling to myself in the mirror once i wake up.

first time ever tried hair mask. will have to have that for once in a month, because my hair is dry and look like a lioness when i dont tie it :x

had a little chats with old high school friends, met my friend's little baby. about a year old, and very eager to explore the hall. so three of us -me, oliv, and her mom were so busy sticking our eyes watching her and every now and then walk out to grab her.

she met a little gentleman, hahahah, who grabbed her hand and walk with her. but suddenly a fierce looking uncle came over and then she cried. but as we comfort her, the little boy also came over looking like he wants to help but dont know what to do. what a little gentlemen =)

the look in his face is so memorable.

enough, enough with all of my complains. i want to start a new, this march.

thank you universe for the parking lots i got in a busy monday at some busy spots of the town. seriously, as i arrived, those cars were leaving. nobody in front of me to hijack the spot.

thank you mind power. exactly what i ordered before i leave the house.

and hahahha-thank you tummy for holding up. was having stomach ache on the way home, but managed to -hahhahaha reach home safely ;)

and btw, i really really love celtic songs. those folks tone, the instruments, the way i cant understand their words- rings something inside of me.

i hope my another half enjoy it too.

im not sure why, but my cousin ended up becoming our 'beloved' gossip topic.

last week it was about my aunt complaining that i didn't do my job as the receptionist at her son's wedding properly that caused her financial lost when she counted the discrepancies between the number of attendee signing the guest book and the amount of souvenirs given out. those souvenirs are umbrellas. i was really mad when i heard it because she was singing about it all over the places instead of asking me directly where did the rest of the -missing- ones go to.

and just now my mom and dad was debating again because of him.

grandmother said that until today, his mother in law has yet to figured out where do her daughter and her -new son in law stay.

that sounds pretty ridiculous right? you guys had never invited her over for a tea or anything before the marriage? alright...you guys were rushing the marriage anyway.

so dad was saying it is my cousin brother's flaw and fault for not formally inviting his in laws over. while mom said it's the mother's stupidity of not voicing out that she wants to know, and that it is her right to do so.

it has never crossed my mind that this trivial issue has to become an issue of debate. kinda hurting people's feeling too. for me, im the type that dont know you need that sort of formality (ok, now i know. im learning) it is so troublesome. why didn't her own daughter do something about it then? or talk to your daughter instead of singing about it around.

to be fair, i said 'maybe brother thought the same way mom did. if his in laws want to come over, JUST COME! i dont need to invite you whatsoever. well....maybe?'

what do you think?

today is a good day

my friend who is getting married at sg & sby- she is home and holding her engagement party here.

today we went to our old high school to give out invitations. nostalgic, and there's so many new faces. well, it's been 8-9 years already! nobody mistaken her, but LOL i got few new names. from meggy to febby to ingrid (??) hahahha....

it's a good sunny day and i enjoyed the trip.

THIS IS SO F*

months ago my mom said im downright idiotic and it's a complete nonsense to listen to cantonese radio. she said i should listen to local radio and sharpen my indonesian language.

and just now she said YOU SO FREE AR?? LEARNING THOSE CRAP-i dont know what useless language that is- so free then talk to other living creature la!

i told her what im learning is not a useless language.

and with that kind of attitude hell if i want to talk to her!!!!!!!

im not sure why but i got very agitated.

im about to borrow mom's cloth for an event, it's bigger so she insisted to sew some part for temporary purpose.

i tried the clothes and i figured out that it only needs some pins and it is all good.

we quarrel and she said why am i so weird rejecting her kindness.

i just hugely feeling very very reluctant to receive it. i dont trust her effort will make it good. i dont want her to be bothered. i dont want any unnecessary effort for just one time usage. i dont want to feel more indebted than i already am.

i dont know why but i just feel very very very against it. but why?

i had just had a nightmare.

when i woke up earlier than usual, although having slept soundly for a perfect number of hours, i would fall asleep again.

at this particular situation most of the time i would have a very vivid dream and wake up remembering it.

i just had one. seems like i moved to a new university, new environment, new dorm. and a friend walk me and show me the other dorm nearby. i am amazed of how similar it looks like to apartments in hongkong, but larger inside and very neat. and surprisingly there's alot of hometown friend living there! and then realizing it's very late i want to return to where i belong. that friend was no longer there. but i was confident i can walk home on my own. my sense of direction is pretty good.

but i have a very cloudy memory and when i reached the street accompanied by another 3 girls- one of them my bestfriend, i freaked out because i had never seen the road before.

i couldn't go home because i dont know where to go. not a single clue.

although where i was standing everything was clean and neat and the sun was warm and bright.

i was at in between lines, in a very wide main road. but there wasn't junction, and there wasn't lots of traffic.

just a handful people protesting against something and start throwing stuffs in anger.

i woke up right at the time i was freaking out in my dream. to my familiar bedroom.

i wonder if this dream has any particular meaning.

"they maintain positive outlook as they learn from their mistake"

one of the point from '12 things successful people do differently'

from my mini market projects i have learned:

1. exposed ceiling painted in black is cool, but i learned that what makes a convenient store looks attractive is actually it's rows of lights seen from outside.

2. those rows of light should be in a white ceiling, not black exposed ceiling. big failure.

3. minimalism doesn't works here. it makes the store looks empty = you no have stuffs to sell to me

4. posters, colours and visual images are MUST HAVE.

and many more to come.

thanks God for a good client who keep his humour and willingness to change for the better instead of hammering me about all of these mistakes.....

im so blessed.

all sort of little humour that i have has all left my body.

the supplier neglected the cancellation order email and sent in 50 boxes product that we do not need. it's a huge number considering this low season.

the part that really really makes me angry is that she barked and denied receiving the email that i sent about the cancellation, sent on the exact same day.

too bad lady, your salesperson replied it and said will help with the coordination.

too bad for us, that stupid salesperson didn't help out.

it's really annoying that her email only receives order and not cancellation email. really, wtf??

it is so hard to stay 'awake'

i get so easily slummed back into the childish mode, where i just want to hide and dont want to deal with anything whatsoever.

oh God.

perhaps i just need alot of chocolate right now. im sure it's not PMS though.

finally the electricity come back to life, thanks God

and about the previous post, i really had think TOO MUCH.

actually, she asked me out because she wanted to get sometime to think whether or not to accept his request of asking her to be his girlfriend.

we just had a talk, girlfriend night chat.

and i dug my own grave.

naturally i shared bits about Will. how my old views changed and why and told her not to hold on too tight at whatever she believes to be true because those ideas might not be the real truth, ect.

and i had a bad sunday, getting moody over the fact that i am not yet there. not over him yet.

and the dangerous part is,

'he' gets more perfect inside of my mind. as i retold some stories, my mind polished the memory of him and 'he' gets better and better.

i dislike how my mind runs on this particular thing.

i am currently running on defensive mode, because i feel like a friend is trying to use me as a bridge to be able to go out with a particular guy.

i dislike it because i should be happy for them. and when i offered if she would like me to invite other friends for the gathering tonight she turned me down. i actually offered just in case she would like him to join but shy to ask him out,  or maybe i really think too much.

haiz.

valentine

it's valentine!

i wonder what did i do last valentine. how did i spend the day. i can't remember.

my bestie is really a gift from heaven.

i told her about my frustration and she points it out easily.

she said she heard a talk at a church, 'what is the opposite of love?' many reply 'hatred'

i cut her short, 'it's apathy isn't it?'

she is right, im spending too much energy on being frustrated about him. i must have cared and annoyed and unwilling to admit it. she said 'yeah...dig deeper to pull out the root'

hugs. im loved. thank you universe for such a precious gift.

i feel uncomfortable. very uncomfortable.

it's quite a long background story. to cut it short, i feel that this old friend fancy me. but apart from few actions, he has never asked me out, never text or msg asked how's my day. or initiating any talk. interested in my days.

and he carry awkward uncomfortable aura around him. so down. couldn't and doesn't want to mingle around the guys i usually hangout with. we-usually hang out with actually. he knows everybody.

it's almost always a day delay in replying my invites to go out for outing. at times when he showed up, he is such a dark shadow that doesn't put any effort to be comfortable around the others.

do i feel uncomfortable because i feel responsible for asking him to join us?

or do i feel disgusted? or what?

is it that deep down i actually doesn't believe anybody could like me?

i  walk out of my room at 8 o'clock, and once i saw my mom i said good morning and happy birthday.

clearly angry, she didn't look at me and bang the glass she was holding onto the table.

i thought, maybe something happened?

i turned on the tv to switch to cctv channel. but it was on into entertainment channel. she immediately barked,

'SO FREE A? SO FREE FASTER CLEAN UP EVERYTHING! say want to celebrate mom's bday, mom's bday, WHAT IS THIS??'

i looked around. it's not that messy. just need to hide some stuffs away.

60 years and rotten temper.

maybe she wished that by the time she opened her eyes everything is already perfect. sorry i will try to remember to wake up at 3 next year.

happy cny friends!

isn't it wonderful that for us chinese we have got to celebrate twice new year? and twice end of the year.

so two chances to make up whatever left over stuffs on the list, you couldn't accomplished according to sun calender and fit it into lunar calender :p

i wish this year we all will learn more wisdom and knowledge. may this be a fruitful year. in earning, in health, in travel, in love, in everything.

i did wish that he would drop by to say happy cny. but nothing happened.

good! from today onwards, i will not talk about him anymore. okay, promise to myself.

i look at a girl's facebook. she was the girl my brother played with. yeap. flirted with 2 years ago.

not only that he doesn't really like her, he knowingly threw in what were seems to be affection -nonchalantly. in short, he didn't mean all those heavy flirting at all.

my mom saw her once and then at home openly said that she is very not pretty and short and that she thinks my brother will be a laughing joke should he were to be seen dating her out. how narcissist and artificial a human can be.

now, she had found a boyfriend. i can see in her page her newest photos are all uploaded by her boyfriend, who seemed to be sooooo proud of having her around. they went to visit his hometown, and now she is invited to join him and his big family for a short holiday trip.

that really brought smile to my face. so glad that she found someone who adores her for who she is. how she looks like. and everything else not so obvious to a mere passer-by.

beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. can't be any true-er

i too hope to meet one that would adores me despite my shortcomings. wouldn't easily gave up on me after i threw in one or two hundreds tantrums.

yeah, wont easily gave up on me.

it is very exciting when im blessed to have project with different characters.

although they are residential, the difference in overall size means they need different considerations. such as considerations on how people going to move around the area. i think the most different part is the storage.

so glad that recently saw a video about transformer apartment in ...new york? many malaysian post it up, so i thought it must be awesome.

it is! but not as awesome as two videos i saw before. the downfall for me perhaps it is because....stuffs they are using are so high tech (a drawer fridge and freeze!! GEEZ IM JEALOUS!) and futuristic moving wall system. and lots of fold-able table/furniture/bed

here's the one not so mind blowing.


below is the one i LOVE. the one at Hong kong.



and below is the one i love the most, because the owner isn't an architect and isn't hiring a famous architecture firm to create his space. maybe it is because i was younger when i saw it, so it really impressed me!

RIGHT AFTER I POST THE POST BELOW..

he actually pm-ed me, in a light excited tone, hey! how are you long time no see!

i was startled, but i responded and said few things. at last it was he who didn't continue the conversation.

im still startled. considering that i have a slow responsive system, i wonder how i will feel tomorrow.

universe loves me so much, that it straight test me right after i quietly tell myself this morning that im okay already.

i deleted his no, but there's a left over message on whatsapp so i saw that he is still putting his picture with that girl. itchy, i added his no. and then i regretted it, and deleted it again. actually the phone told me it couldn't delete the link to whatsapp.

but somehow.......when i saw my phone again in the morning, he is not in the list anymore.

oh well, oh well.

im (kinda) proud of myself. okay, just a little tiny bit.

after 3 more months of not talking to him anymore, today is the first time ever i saw him online on facebook.

but i dont feel any urge to click it and talk to him.

big chunk of thanks to two great girlfriends who distracted my attention towards wedding stuffs. and design. and picking dresses.

i really really love design and pretty stuffs. i think i can die if i stop designing something.

today is worth marking, because:

1. I buy a phone for myself, which is the first ever in my whole 25 years of existence. in total i had retired 4 phones. they are all gifts from dad, and dad, and cousin brother, and brother.

2. i got irritated because it took me 3 months to get one simple thing done. yes, buying a phone.

3. i slashed it out in a most childish way possible for this 25 years old of me. and what hurts the most is (still) my ego. because i was told off by my brother. and he was absolutely right.

and so i am very sorry to myself. let's make a pact and let's be good to each other and let's be friend.

recently i wasn't feeling good, because seems that everybody around me are moving forward and i feel that im not moving fast enough.

i need to pause and remind myself again that this life isn't a race.

bro is home!

here's one piece of advice he gave me. he always acted like he is the oldest and i just let him be.

'i know that you are having hard time hanging around them. but could you please learn to not display it out so obviously? like, come on. just dont show it out.'

that was after our visit to grandma's place. actually i have nothing whatsoever against the others, except one aunt. something happened 2 years ago and i dont think she deserves any respect from me. and most of the time the questions she throws are mockery and rhetorical, i just faintly smile and kept quite.

im afraid i might be too blunt if i were to answer and mom will slash me alive afterwards. so, i kinda ignore her.

i wonder if friends, your big family member are the same? they are loud and talks at the same time. i was dizzy sitting in the living room yesterday because everybody was trying to be on top of each other's voice. who's listening if everybody just want to talk.

my aunt mocked me after grandma said that im the quite and feminine one. she loudly said, 'dont you worry, that runs in our big family, the quite genes, like, my daughter! you! ...and, who else??'

=,=

okay, so i learn not to be so serious and have to learn to control facial expression.

good news is, my brain kinda install a blocking system when i try to access data about him. i just stop myself from doing so. thanks Lord. thank you.

what would i be without my dad?

there's this weird phone call, a lady saying that she is a new customer. after explaining where is her location, that she request us to send our salesperson down, i casually asked where did she get to know us from.

she took it as an insult and threaten me. 'what are you asking, are you saying it's better if i made my purchase at xxxx? you know i usually buy my products there.'

it's not very nice. it is very not nice.

but i still maintain the humour in my voice, as i was more perplexed then angry. did i ask the wrong question?

dad said, dont be bothered. if she said so, she is free to continue making purchase at xxxx. dont be bothered. and you are asking a very normal question. he said.

thanks dad, you are the best!

you know what, the next time this happens- if it ever happens again,

i will apologize. i will say, i dont know why you feel offended by my normal question. but im sorry because i do not by any chance mean to create any kind of insult. if you want to buy stuffs from us, it is most welcome. if our price and terms and conditions met, i would anytime sell them to you. but you dont need to THREATEN me like that, because it is not nice and you are new.

okay, that's what i would say to anybody who try to threaten me especially regarding business matters.

dad and mom came home last night from medical check up trip at Penang. glad that mom's getting better this time.

and i collapsed today, couldn't woke up in the morning, and fell asleep dead right after lunch. and i could still continue sleeping after having slept for so many hours.

and i ate and ate and ate. suddenly the sugar craving come kicking in. ice cream, oreo, cookies, pringles. and they brought home lots of goods =) i ate lots of real meat today. done with meatballs and instant noodles.

the accumulated acid lactic come releasing itself today. so glad my body holds it up well =) thanks God!

CNY is coming real quick! didn't realize it at all! probably because the lack of decorations and mood at the shopping centre. dad said it is so happening at penang! wherever they went, new year songs are in the air. oh Malaysia, i kinda miss you!

bro is gonna be home tomorrow night! awesome!

and i have a LOTS of work to catch up with. i didn't have enough energy to do both of works, so i abandoned my baby while dad and mom were away. time to starts building 3D and rendering before i get too busy with festive seasons =) so blessed!

and i asked my UK cousin if she could help me to get the phone i had been dying to have. nexus 4. she said yes! and if she could managed to grab one (it's on really high demand and low stocks -geez nice strategy to create the hype) i would see you in march hey nexus!

on the darker side, when i thought of that girl, i still couldn't be in peace with myself. so i decided to keep the chapter closed. what's the good of keep hurting myself? one day, when im wiser, when im stronger, im gonna open it that page again and sorted the mess out.

on the lighter side, CNY is coming and this year we aren't going for holiday trip unlike the last 3 years. and mom's gonna held a party celebrating her 60th bday and CNY feast. she was born at the turn of the year. so she is a tail of dragon and a head of snake. one meal two events.

and i thought of how he planned back then to visit me this cny.

there's no coincidence in the world i believe in. im just not meant to have him, really.

bestie really knows how to cheer me up. 'Dear, why dont you think try believing that this CNY, something great is gonna meet you up. something awesome. it's not him, but better!'

i read again his birthday greetings for me, it's in an email.

the first line was, please stay strong and keep improving yourself.

i will do that. and thank you.

what had you learned lately my dears?

i learned that there's lots of things i thought i know, i understand, i embody them, i then realized that actually subconsciously that's not what i hold at the bottom of my heart.

not that i had reached the bottom yet.

here's my story.

last night we went for a movie. i invited my old friend, a pretty girl. i was really surprised to see that she was having dinner with a guy whom i regularly go out with (he is one of our hang out group) -who was also up for the movie.

to be honest, i dont know the two of them that well, but i had hang out with him many times so i noticed how differently he treated my friend. those little body language, gestures, really strike me that he cares for this girl. he talked to her throughout the movie, commenting here and there.

although in every sense i KNOW i should be naturally be HAPPY for them, it wasn't easy at all. it's the same feeling i had for my dear cousin and her perfect boyfriend. jealousy? i dont particularly have any special feeling for this tall handsome guy. it did crossed my mind once or twice, because some friends were pointing that i should give it a try, but i dont sense any chemistry. more towards buddy type. and i knew my friend-she used to fall for jerks, so this time it's a really good catch. or good match.

then 'ting!' my guardian angel whispered to me.

'it's not a race my dear. it's not a race. why do you feel like you are losing?' true. two single friends are stepping into another stage. why must i compare my life stage to the others? though it might feel a bit lonely when they stepped out from our group. sigh, changes is permanent.

'do you feel like the good ones are already taken? and the supply is getting less and less? that you wont have anything good left?' i said no, no, i already know that it's a false belief.

but i checked with my heart and it's true. although from reading self help book, the Secret, and other similar book- it told me that it's a most common false belief in our society and i thought 'alright, noted' but i always feel upset when similar story happened and confused as to why i was upset.

thank you, im going to override it. im going to do my best to pull this false belief out, down to its roots.

'i know that you dont have a guy by your side now. but that doesn't mean you dont have one prepared for you. you just haven't met him yet. not you wont meet him at all.'

'be strong & be patient'

nod nod.

there's a voice in my head suddenly asking,

'why dont you trust that you will find someone better than him?'

'? no, i have never said that. i have never said that i dont believe there's a more compatible and connected- guy out there available, born for me'

'oh realllllly? then what are you doing by keep bringing yourself down and sabotaging your own happiness by getting moody and sad day by day. how long has it been??'

---
and so it had been pressed down to me today, and i have to admit it's true. i never put it out in words, but im still feeling sad, and it's because unconsciously, as i look back and feel grateful for his companionship and those little things that he did and the way he acted, i really like his character and up bringing.

and so unconsciously without i knowing, i am telling myself he is the best i that had ever arrived. i know nobody who is like him. and i believe i wont know anybody better than him.

that's a self sabotaging statement. self sabotaging belief. self sabotaging destruction. that's a WRONG belief.

Dear friends, maybe you have a way to help me to realize my 2013 goal, to become wittier?

here's the short story of my afternoon.

house phone ring, my cousin bro on the line, right after knowing it's me who picked up the phone, he went

'aren't you coming for the dress fitting??' that's for his wedding event.

'what?? i didn't know it's today, nobody told me' -and he passed the phone to his mom, explaining that i have to come now because all of the others are there already.

i went there, got a phone call in between checking where i was, and arrived to found EVERYBODY was there waiting for me. only me. i stepped in said, im so sorry but nobody told me anything about this. quickly get into the dress, show it to them, and the fitting actually lasted less than 5 minutes. and after im done, everybody stood up and prepare to leave. so they really ARE WAITING just for me.

my aunts are those very high EQ people. i want to learn to be able to become that kind of lady too.

she still managed to smile and said, no it's okay, yeah we forgotten about you. thank you for rushing here. so lucky that you are home. but i couldn't managed a smile or anything and trust me, those words aren't sincere.

on my way home, i thought of a better scenario. why didn't i:

should act more dramatic, 'WHY is there no a single soul telling me about THIS? if anybody had told me earlier, nobody should wait this long, trouble to everybody'

i really should have mentioned the part where they all shouldn't have waited for me.

any other scenario perhaps?

thank you dear, for your encouragement...hugs. that alarm system is on leave for the few past days i think, but it will be back.

today is a public holiday. and it's such a beautiful day. mom and dad fly off to penang for medical check up.

back then, on this kind of day, i would really really wish we are physically at the same town, we could go out and hang out together instead of stuck in front of the computer chatting. i wanted somebody real. who are close, who could be around when i needed him. to go groceries. dinner. see doctor. movie. ect ect.

i tell you what, today i have all the freedom and time to go out but i have just nobody to go out with. nobody.

i asked few friends, all negative answer.


perhaps this is one of the lesson, i just want to share it here. although this one seems to be a difficult one to master.


one of my bestie, the one who frowned the most about my story, always encourage me to find someone closer. if you have one closer, why choose the one who cant be there for you when you needed him? sounds true, there's a truth in it. i should find a local date. so i thought.

but today, it had been revealed to me that it isn't a fully true statement. it's not really applicable. and it should be override with something that said,

just appreciate whoever you are with right now. and i would add, be it close or far. because distance matters little when it comes to the matter of the heart.....

even if you are the president of USA, who knows thousands of people, at a particular point of time, he could only be with a particular group of people. that's how life works. we really have limited time and energy to give our attention to everybody. even if we could, other people have their own schedules too...

if you got what i mean. i explained it in such a poor example.

training my heart is like training to get sexy abs. discipline is the key.

which i found myself lacking.

my dear friend has proposed that for an upcoming wedding dinner, we go to the one held in singapore than the one in surabaya.

immediately, just immediately. my mind jumps.

i thought of visiting clubs at night, organizing some drinking nights. places i had never been to. and i thought of who to invite to come along, those friends i made at phuket. and then i thought of him, and then things started to get messier. and so, really. a slip.

wtf??? how quick my mind just jump and write all these elaborate plan. omigosh.

haha...ah, really....taming my stupid heart. and seriously, what's with the -visiting clubs? *_$ *i surprised myself.

i just watched an episode of asia next top model

one of the contestant called her boyfriend and cried. he encouraged her and said, 'you can do this'

and the next morning, she is recharged, 'my boyfriend told me to be strong. and that makes me want to fight for this'

---
i checked my heart, and my heart is okay.

i realized that without a boyfriend, i actually have the whole world giving me little pat here, little nudge there, little sunshine here, little smile there.

everything ties in. everything. as long as i open up to the universe, i would be able to see the love delivered in small little things.

the love in small little things. thank you....

i went to watch Habibie & Ainun last saturday. it's a love story between the third president of Indonesia and his wife based on his autobiography -so i heard.

his wife character stood up, and it inspire me to become a stronger person who could support my future man through the darkest tunnel. Habibie sure is a lucky man, to have met and spent his life with his soul mate.

it is true that behind every successful man there's a very strong woman behind him.

and also, that God's timing is perfect.

---
i said hi to my old college friend, she was one of messiest person i had ever known, messy in terms of personal life. but she was so ever frank about it and can't be bothered with what others thought of her. i admire her for that. now she had settled down, met a nice guy, got married and has a very cute baby boy.

if i were to think of those messy stories she had shared with me. imagine those she had left out- afraid i couldn't digest too much. she survived, she flourished. im so glad, very very glad.
---

then there's also masterchef 3 american version- i bet you guys who followed had known that the winner who beat the odds, stood out against the rest competitor, is a BLIND lady. a blind lady who was insecure and slowly built up her confidence along the way.

strong souls are those that doesn't quit when things got rough. and that's why they become stronger and stronger. challenges are laid on their way to strengthen their soul.

watching this kind of show is my daily reminder.

thank you Universe for all these reminders.