my mom said she admitted her preference on my brother. dotting him more. she said i forced her to say this. 

as if it is new to me. as if i can't tell. but in these past years i began to notice why my brother is a better person than i am. so, it's normal if she loves him more. 

who said a mother's love is unconditional? it's basic that human will treat whoever treat them good-better. 

parents who provoke siblings rivalry are ugly. downright ugly.

I FEEL SO STUPID that after designing everything, i actually forgot to design a working space for the owner. GEEE oh em gee, how could this happen.

i was too busy thinking about the walk in wardrobe, damn.

sigh. stupidity.

Today im grateful that God has always sent me safely to my destinations.

and i had an amazing afternoon, swimming under rainbow, right after a rain.

again, i saw how beautiful this little town im living in. thank you Lord.

i think im really over him. there's no more longing, no more wanting his reply. it doesn't hurt anymore when i look in my inbox and found no new mail.

it's a quite feeling. simply quite.

4 months. it took me 4 months.

I am so thankful to my generous friends, who easily help me out when i reach out to them.

the temple is raising fund for an upcoming event and my cousin asked me to sell food coupons. she passed me 10 coupons in total.

out of 11 friends i asked from, only one shy away from it.

again, it might seems trivial, but to me this is the first time i bravely try to sell something to people whom i wasn't sure how they would react to it. i keep remembering what dad always told our sales, 'dont begin by being disheartened even before you speak out. if you dont try you will never know what's the result'

the first three are friends whom i know wont refuse me. but turn out the rest are very generous too.

so thank you, because you all had helped me personally beyond raising this fund.

as usual, mom started by saying, 'so you sell none of it huh?'

thank you (patting myself) that neither proud or annoyed, i said, 'i managed to sell some'

*pat myself again =)

in dec 2007, i wrote 'how do i know if it's love? it is like waiting for a guest without knowing how he looks like'

5 years afterwards, im still do not have the answer.

i think i will know when i found it.

today im very grateful

i woke up to a very strange feeling. relieved.

sorta understand what my bestie was asking, 'are you relieved now?'

recently i had been very cengeng. forgotten what's the english for that. sentimental. keep feeling that i want to cry. and i cried.

---
the book im reading now reminds me to be good to whoever im with right now.

most of the time i forgot, that person is me. myself. and i.

nowdays i pat myself when i managed to hold back my anger or when i walk out to do my work despite the ever growing laziness.

it works, and hopefully friend, you will pat yourself too when you do something good.

today im thankful

for he replied one more time which allowed me to give a graceful ending by saying 'i wish you all the best and have a nice monday'

it is trivial, but to me it helps me to forgive myself a little bit more. so, thank you very much.

---
the book im reading now said, when there's nothing you can do, relax. it tells the story in a form of a testimonial from a monk who was dragged away by the current when he swim. he tried to fight against it but it didn't bring him any closer to the shore. so he relax, allowing the current to take him further, before he felt the right moment to start pouring all of his energy to swim back to the shore. that's when he felt the sea quite down a little.

i really like the part the writer highlighted 'it requires a tremendous courage to allow yourself to be swept further away from the shores' a very strong mind indeed not to panic under circumstances.

the monk reached the beach safely, and it had taken all of his energy. if he hadn't relaxed and save up his energy by not fighting against the sea, he would still be dragged away and would be left with no more energy to swim back to the land.

regarding my love life, there's nothing i can do now beside relax and learning to love myself better. although im getting older day by day, i believe that i shouldn't settle for the second best. despite the longing to stop floating and reached a shore, i will wait till i see the right one.

Yesterday i realize how good my skin is, all thanks to SK II and genetic gift from dad & mom.

And my hair fall seems to have gotten better,

and im thankful that my body does listen to me well. The moment i said to myself , 'let's regain that 2kgs that we had shed' i started to feel hungry and look for food. Universe helped me out by changing our old catering to a new- super delicious catering. God bless whoever that had cooked those meals!

And also, thank you to a dear friend who had heard my whines.
she reminded me to not lose heart 'that just like finding a partner, so is finding a friend. not having it now doesn't mean there's none to come along in the future'

Recently the voice in my head kept telling me that im not desirable and not good enough that's why people dont want to be my friends. Thanks for reminding me that it is not true.

loving myself is the hardest thing to do. or rather, stay loving myself is the hardest thing to maintain.

today i have a confession to made. i had been cheeky.

so i said happy birthday to him. he replied. and i throw in more questions. he still replied. that's up to today, there's no more email from him.

i told my bestie about it. i didn't expect her to say 'are you relieved now?'

i said, 'i suppose'

it's good to know we can still talk casually. it is also good to know i am starting to forgive myself.

it's good that he doesn't continue replying any further.

today im grateful

i had a call with my bestie who told me all of her frustration regarding her boyfriend.

i could tell that he is still immature and unable to act gracefully in front of a tired and annoyed girl. he criticize her at the time when she needed just to be heard. and although he was absolutely right, it lead them unto a quarrel. so, she is sad and kept repeating that he didn't reach up to her expectation.

each time i talked to her, i always feel that she helped me to bring out the better side of me. i dont know how, i ended up telling her that it's just her ego standing in the way. yet i dont think she should crawl back and apologize to him. because it seems that he uses excuses and reluctant to face her.

we then always back to the popular belief, 'if i forgive him, wouldn't that just made me the loser?' or 'he would have easily taken me for granted again' and 'i wonder if he worth all of these efforts'

i dont know about alot of things, but im sure that all those efforts wont go wasted. she got to kept those lessons with her.

i ended up somehow linking the story of the water pump. i dont know how, but i tell her that all those hassles aren't pointless. mistakes, repeated actions, energy spent, they are to be the part of the grander plan.

we both drew conclusion that this is a battle to win ourself. all those efforts are not for anybody but our own growth. so, it is most definitely worth it. right?

today im grateful

i received payment for my work =) and on top of that my client said he showed my work to his mother in law and she likes it, but she suggest to make the working table in the bedrooms to be full height for extra storage.

and finally today, we fixed the poor water pump. it had been soaked for whole two days under soil after the landslide hit my backyard. it took two days for my employees to dig it up, clean it up, and a total one month to clear the area and redo the piping installation.

a total 5 technicians (or sort of technicians) had came and gone and gave 5 whole different suggestions.

i guess everything is part of the learning. finally after fixing everything that we could and we still aren't satisfied, we look for one more solution and BAM! the last guy came and after hearing we had replaced everything he could mentioned, he opened the bottom part of the pump and there's lot of soil sitting inside which blocked one particular tiny hole.

that tiny hole had prevented the water to push upward to fill our water tank. he cleaned it up, put everything back, and voila!

so guys, i had learned which brand is a good one, which one is quite good, which one has a soft sound, what do they mean with capacity (daya hisap vs daya tolak) and few categories that they have. so next time i wont be too dumb when i have to pop by to buy water pump =) so im really glad! (and also learned few arguments about the installation. what you could use but might not be really useful.)

yesterday i was thankful for an outing with an old friend and her friends.

i felt excessively tired these few days, maybe because i just pass my period. or maybe im used to thinking 'my body needs more rest for regeneration' that's why.

when i was confused and reluctant, suddenly i remember that i asked God to let me meet new friends.

it went well...we went to karaoke (my dreadful place) (but i had prepared myself for it) and the girl who sit next to me talked to me, so it was well.

and i met my new client, the jewellery shop owner. i am so glad that he seems to like my work, despite the one who outsourced me initially refuse to show my exterior work to him. she was afraid that what i did was too plain, but thankfully she changed her mind and show it anyway and the boss actually like my work.

it is very rewarding to know that my work is being appreciated. so, thank you.

today im thankful for it's another relaxing day. i finished my newest project, a renovation for jewellery shop.

and im thankful that he replied me kindly after i wished him happy birthday few days ago. and he asked how am i doing. im thankful that at least we can talk like a normal friend.

and im thankful that my bestie reminded me something,

'dont let your one or two particular situations define who you are'

i told her that recently i felt down, and hearing that she said 'no, you are better and you shouldn't listen to that voices in your head saying that you dont worth it'

im thankful.

yesterday i was thankful for people who helped me out when my car broke down.

i was on the way to the airport to pick dad up when i decided to stop by a mini market to buy some drinks.

when i was about to resume my journey, the car simply refuse to start up. without warning.

i knew it was the battery, and i try to open the hood. a man who was on the phone at the parking lot saw me and he stopped talking to help me out.

so he called out to few other men and said let's push it to the start.

but somehow they have pushed it as far as 1 km it is still no sign of revival.

i still offered some little change to one of them but he refused it, and i was taken back. i felt that he was really sincere about it and it really touched me.

'nda usa ci, kita orang juga biasa nyetir jauh2 sampe makasar, jd kita juga tau klo oto mogok bgini sendirian di jalan kan bagemana rasanya klo nda ada yg tolong'

at the end our car technician came over, open the battery cap, clean it throughout-ly, and BOOM, the car start up AGAIN.

so actually, the battery is still very healthy just that the cap is dirty.

im very thankful to those men. i can't really remember their faces, dont know their names, but i know that God knows and i wish that they always find help when they needed it, because they didn't leave me alone when i needed help the most.

today, im thankful that i got my period cramp in a rather relaxing day.

had a deal about the freelance i talked about, but with a price less than 1/3 of what i asked for.

i will see this as a good portfolio.

i miss dad alot, and when i think that i could still see him or talk to him, im thankful.

im very thankful.

today, im thankful for the awesomely hot weather.

my laundry dry almost instantly LOL

and im so thankful that my second baby is seriously looking so gorgeous. the owner is getting married this sunday, and today it already look like a very good looking show houses :p

and im thankful that another freelance landed on my way. the kind that i want and need.

thank you Universe!

I found an old notebook.

there, i wrote my boyfriend criteria. that was written back in 2009. that was 4 years ago.

i laughed at the first three.  4 out of 32 don't fit anymore.

but as i flipped to the second page (LOL YES) the rest remain the same.

and if i didn't truly understand what those words meant, now i do.

because i met a person who more or less fit into those description.

so he really exist. how wonderful!

now i would like to upgrade my list. renew it.

let us see if the next one will fit into the description........

sorry, i made some silly mistakes again.

'we can originate our thoughts, or just pick up others' thoughts.'

'you are the architect of your life, you truly are!'

'nobody could make me think of something i do not want to think!'

and

'you will never attracted something you are not in harmony with'

lately i really long to find a new -old-friend, with whom i can get connected with.

i feel pessimistic, although if i have to look at ladies at the temple, they seems to be a good group of friends now when in fact they only met few years earlier. most of them were christian converted because of their husbands. or maybe they just join in the fun, to support their hubbies' religious activity and find new friends.

just now i thought of him and his best girl. they too met randomly, outside the school, outside university, outside any religious groups. and bam! chemistry!

i really really wonder if there's anybody out there in this tiny town..........who has the same level of weirdness with me?

:(

i had been in some awkward positions today.

first, it was when my cousin pulled the younger generation into his bedroom and they all started to talk about sex. my newly wed-cousin in law told my cousin about her sex life in details, and he was laughing all the way and told us about it. my cousin in law was there confirming what he said.

the others all laugh it off, but i got so uncomfortable, i left the room :(

i told my bestie and she reminded me that we would always get caught up in this kind of situation. the solution? act as if you are interested and throw in some empty words. because you can't always have the option to run off like what i did today............

:( it's called growing up isn't it?

once in a while, you will meet a person who for some reasons would like to create some frictions to happen between you and another person.

i feel that carpenter Q is trying to do so. it appears that he thinks he would gain my sympathy by bitching about his own boss-the contractor in front of me, saying that he should just listen to me directly instead of his boss because it's my design, so i should be the one calling the shot.

his complains had happened way more than once. while he was smoking. sometimes drawings interpreted wrongly and there's site adjustment needed to be done. "if only i know earlier i would be able to anticipate this and that and bla bla bla."

although his complains are true, he MADE MISTAKES TOO despite i had made it clear in the drawings. i didn't go waste my time blaming or scolding him but cracking my head to find a solution and many times sacrificing the design. but today when things are still pretty raw he goes so reluctant adjusting to my request- and instead of working with his hands he tried to bargain his way out with his mouth.

they thinks they could polish their way smooth with their tongue.

he said he knew that i was told by his boss before not to contact the carpenter directly but to discuss problems with him so he would be aware of the situation on site too. okay, fairly noted.

but by saying this and trying to appear -i know, it sucks right??- i instantly feel his underlying intention. because my head was clear and i didn't feel i had been wrong by the contractor's request.

im tired of listening to dad and mom arguing.

:((((((((

portfolio - citraland

my client requested to change to sofa to darker shade, considering both of their girls are still toddler. (i dont want the sofa to get dirty easily)

and just now he told me to also use a darker shade in the kitchen cabinets. he said, black maybe?

WOOOwwww~ this could be exciting! it requires younger client to try black on the kitchen =)

thank you universe =)

Enca & Adit 's engagement party =) 

it's a good day. i tried ajahn brahmn method of smiling to myself in the mirror once i wake up.

first time ever tried hair mask. will have to have that for once in a month, because my hair is dry and look like a lioness when i dont tie it :x

had a little chats with old high school friends, met my friend's little baby. about a year old, and very eager to explore the hall. so three of us -me, oliv, and her mom were so busy sticking our eyes watching her and every now and then walk out to grab her.

she met a little gentleman, hahahah, who grabbed her hand and walk with her. but suddenly a fierce looking uncle came over and then she cried. but as we comfort her, the little boy also came over looking like he wants to help but dont know what to do. what a little gentlemen =)

the look in his face is so memorable.

enough, enough with all of my complains. i want to start a new, this march.

thank you universe for the parking lots i got in a busy monday at some busy spots of the town. seriously, as i arrived, those cars were leaving. nobody in front of me to hijack the spot.

thank you mind power. exactly what i ordered before i leave the house.

and hahahha-thank you tummy for holding up. was having stomach ache on the way home, but managed to -hahhahaha reach home safely ;)

and btw, i really really love celtic songs. those folks tone, the instruments, the way i cant understand their words- rings something inside of me.

i hope my another half enjoy it too.

im not sure why, but my cousin ended up becoming our 'beloved' gossip topic.

last week it was about my aunt complaining that i didn't do my job as the receptionist at her son's wedding properly that caused her financial lost when she counted the discrepancies between the number of attendee signing the guest book and the amount of souvenirs given out. those souvenirs are umbrellas. i was really mad when i heard it because she was singing about it all over the places instead of asking me directly where did the rest of the -missing- ones go to.

and just now my mom and dad was debating again because of him.

grandmother said that until today, his mother in law has yet to figured out where do her daughter and her -new son in law stay.

that sounds pretty ridiculous right? you guys had never invited her over for a tea or anything before the marriage? alright...you guys were rushing the marriage anyway.

so dad was saying it is my cousin brother's flaw and fault for not formally inviting his in laws over. while mom said it's the mother's stupidity of not voicing out that she wants to know, and that it is her right to do so.

it has never crossed my mind that this trivial issue has to become an issue of debate. kinda hurting people's feeling too. for me, im the type that dont know you need that sort of formality (ok, now i know. im learning) it is so troublesome. why didn't her own daughter do something about it then? or talk to your daughter instead of singing about it around.

to be fair, i said 'maybe brother thought the same way mom did. if his in laws want to come over, JUST COME! i dont need to invite you whatsoever. well....maybe?'

what do you think?

today is a good day

my friend who is getting married at sg & sby- she is home and holding her engagement party here.

today we went to our old high school to give out invitations. nostalgic, and there's so many new faces. well, it's been 8-9 years already! nobody mistaken her, but LOL i got few new names. from meggy to febby to ingrid (??) hahahha....

it's a good sunny day and i enjoyed the trip.