My perception

im just wondering, do you guys realize that our -very-own-memories- are editing themselves without ourself (our consciousness) realizing it?

i suppose we all do -unconsciously isn't it?

and we love to let it pass as: 'ah, that happened so long ago, i couldn't be sure' or 'my minds must had been playing trick on me'

yes, our mind do play tricks on us.

not i (simply) say one, i read it from the study case about memory on a book at singapore's national library. my favourite section, psychology. (alright, i couldn't decide between that and interior design section)

they are studying about the accuracy of memory, and so they conduct a survey and following it up for years afterwards. they picked a shocking piece of news about the demise of their president (cant remember who, but was a famous person la) and a guy at first said he heard it on the radio while his wife was in the kitchen. the answer matched for the following week, but when they come back years later, he insisted that he heard it at the radio together with his wife.

(or something like that, im sorry i couldn't recall the exact story, but the point is, his statement changed while he still belief it to be the truth)

and of course their conclusion was based on many other samples, which all tally with the case above, which shows that our memory actually is not that accurate as we thought it is.

if you are now wondering why would i be interested in this sort of thing it is because i have lots of regrettable past memories. which affect my-today-judgment on things and person and above all, on myself.

recently i think im unconsciously stepping into the 'past - whirlpool'

unavoidable, almost, for being back here. to manado.

alright, i had gotten over sensitive perhaps :( but couldn't help but keep relating with the past.

i msg my ex high school friend on facebook for info about jogya because she studied there before. and so i asked how is she doing now, she said she is back at manado.

'qt so dimd skrg...so kerja hehehehe:p

nn dank???kpn plg mdo???

miss uuuuu'

then i said im at manado too right now. and so she said..'let's meet up sometimes' then she said there's an outing on wed morning and ask me to join.

then i asked, 'aren't you working on wed morning?' and there's no reply afterwards.

that is one example of not-so-sincere-offer. i would have been better off without that really. she doesn't even bother asking for my number. but again why do i need to feel low about it? we wasn't and aren't close friends, and so are the bunch of gang she went the outing with.

it is just, the subtle rejection. i know, i know. i had always known, i wasn't the fun girl to have around, not the merry-go-around-ice-breaker-chatty-mood-maker one, plus im sure i was an even duller person in their memory. and i had always known that people here aren't so ready to accept the new person into their gang. it has always been like that. a gang of 'best friend forever' never has opening for newcomer nor they interested in any other ppl outside the gang.

that's why i dont like it here, and i dont really keep contact with them. and i dont simple flaunt my 'miss u' to just anybody. even if by doing so im being less warm or fun like them, whatever.

is there anybody here that is willing to accept me as their new friend? without any reference to my past or how i had been previously and rather just by feeling the present-me?

but again, after all this complain, it is just me feeling low and running back to my old memory, and finding fault with the old me, and keep putting it at the back of my mind, "forget it, why would they want to have you around? even if you do meet up, then what?"

last few weeks ago i meet up with my old friend, and my conclusion was that, it was just a meet up for the sake of meeting up. like crossing the thing in 'list to do'. so we had dinner together and chatted for a while, but the truth is she was all the time busy with her blackberry, chatting with the others bb holder. not that we are very close, but still, it all become hollow talk and how insincere it was! just ask for the sake of asking. i was sorry to have contacted you and sorry to have taken up your time!

with this reference in mind...im shunning away.

if you said im not open enough and i should open myself up, then pardon myself for asking, why i should i open up to just anybody? of course there must be and have to be a pre screening, and given my character, it takes time for me before feeling comfortable to being open, but again, is openness the problem here?

they are just not so willing to accept me. that's my hypothesis la.

i know, nevermind. they aren't the only people exist at manado.

my point of this whine is, as because my memory is frail, i shouldn't feel so low because i might not had been as bad as i thought, and of course i couldn't blame myself at whole because their memories too aren't accurate either, so im just...relenting on the absent of chance to being accepted as who i am not who i was.

...

it's okay, i haven't extinguish my hope.