lately

this is what i had been working on lately~ so glad to see the 1st draft ^^ this is 1st time i actually play with more than 3 colors ^^

networking lounge / pantry

(2 more to rush tonight T_T i feel sick.... not enough sleep and food....)

life cycle, is that what you call it?

*wanted to do a quick blog entry~

today i woke up early and back to sleep till 12, it really doesn't feel good to woke up that late. after lunch i continue to do my 1st assignment from new boss, an office and commercial space for Singapore Sport Council. just the schematic design. i found the idea yesterday after browsing at borders timesquare.

nah. today i suppose have to finished the floor plan and all T_T but now it's 8 and i have nothing T_T haizz... boss coming to KL tomorrow T_T

but nevertheless, i am glad i had something to make my brain run.

kaemin lend me another book, (after our poker game last night~where bun wins almost all the rounds hahaha) the title is...erm. i forgotten haha (it's upstairs, lazy to take it) thanks Kaemin for being so caring :) and she offered me to follow her to ipoh 2 weeks later!

and hocksoon invites me to his blog. nothing much bout updated news, but came across the one about our cameron trip. such a happy trip. my 1st trip traveling with friends :)

and then i browse back some old pictures from my external harddisc. as time passed, people change, feeling change, make the situation change. make me realize how much i have to cherish every single moment because there's no time machine to turn back to the same position again.

sad. yah. but it's necessary to feel sad so that i can understand what is happy. because we are human, who don't know what we have until we have lost it.

at this moment, i really wish i can be there again, we can be together again and feeling the same feel as it used to be.

we wont i guest, something had been broken. my perception change. i don't like the new one, but i can't help to have it. my head and heart is fighting (and make me hungry). haiz. human. excuses!

it is a strength to be naive at this age. if i am still that naive then i can escape from this current state of unhappiness. or maybe ignorance will help. but where cares still live, it's hard to close your eyes. i want to see this in a more simple way. Help me please God...

i belief that every single things have it's life cycle. but do friendship included in this case? i guest it is, that's why we are so afraid of it and like to say : friendship forever, friendship never ends. bla bla. but if it is really a forever one then we wont bother to mention right?

it must be depending on our effort then to keep it forever or not.

geez. i said i will do a quick one.

love - my version

I believe in God, what about you? I know that I'm blessed, what about you?

Let me share with you a story, kinda ridiculous actually but it's oK, coz I wanted to prove that God's Love exist.

Last year, there's time when i was wondering what is love. (haha, i remember i had it in this blog, some post about it) I asked myself, what is love. not family or friend love, but love between he and she. I'm 20 and i can't identify what is love.

So i prayed and ask Lord: Lord, I'm 20 and i don't know what is love. I'm curious, can you teach me what is it? Can you show me how to identify love? Can you tel me what is it? Love-that everyone talks about. I wanted to know.

Today, half year had passed and i had that answer with me now. God had somehow teach me what it is, show me what it feels like through this time. it's only now when i looked back that i realize all those things that happened are answer to my own prayer.

had i become wiser now? i hope i am. now i had my own definition of it. Love is the feeling that you still want to care for him even though you had been hurt and you know where he sets his heart to. I made it sounds so pitiful, but it is not. it's a very light feeling. something calm and cooling. Not needy and not demanding.

yup, i can say that i had met love. this journey had give me the answer to my question. and i think it's enough. i never had his heart with me, but if you asked me do i feel sad or desperate, no. i am not. i am not lying. This experience is good enough for now :) hee-hee, after all i never asked for to in a relationship or what. Might sound cowardly to you but i cant accept long distant relationship. with me now moving to a new place, i don't want to be committed in any relationship that might drag me to unnecessary direction.....

That guy? he is somebody whom at 1st day meeting him i told myself: geez, i will never fall for this kind of guy. HAHAHAHA serious! He is so... not gentleman. not even holding the door for me you know!

but upon knowing him more, i admire his vision and character. knowing him makes me know how to dream. yah, a more vivid-solid dream about what i want for future. anyway, people who have dream and confident shines. That's why i want to shine too, to keep my dream and build my confident. He had his negative and plus points. nobody is perfect. We had different faith, and the difference appear mostly when we talked about intangible things. like happiness, love, doing good things and idea of God.

And...too bad, he had put his heart on other girl. And he, for being so insensitive come to tell me how he loves that girl. sad? no. actually by knowing where he sets his heart it's actually when i rest my heart from internal argument between my head (which keep telling me that it's obvious he loves her) and my heart (which even knowing that still hoping and get hurt)

knowing that all i still want to hear and help him make me think that it's funny. part of me says that it's because he had been nice and helpful to me, be there when i need help the most that's why i want to do the same. ya, it's just that simple. but maybe is because i want to be a more caring person. i had never been really caring before, so now when i had a chance to do it i will do it.

i will say this is my form of love. a light love. not bad for beginner. at least i know i am not the type of girl that will fall in love blindly and need people to drag me up from the hell. at least my head is still working and i believe that God will keep me away from harmful thing.

you can say that i haven't fully been in love. or it had to be done blindly that only can be called true love. or anything. we can debate about this until the end of time. hahahaha....

and knowing that i can love like this make me love myself more. people who feels good about themselves produce good result. and also, you have to love yourself so that others can love you. these 2 sentences are really true. i will practice it more.

Thanks God, my next prayer will be... a good and promising job that can be platform to make my dream come true~ now i want to focus on job and dreams. just not going to asked for love anytime soon. But God, if it is really happening then i will just follow your plan and please, let me know that it's love that's coming :)

Back from Sgp (again)

Hi, haven't been writing lately, had been so busy with...life. hahahha! last friday i went to langkawi, back to KL at monday and went to Sgp at Wed, and back KL again today.

I'm at my new shelter now, somewhere at cheras. (stealing ppl's wireless :P)

Just back from Singapore (again) yeah, damn tired. but can't sleep so i was thinking wanted to watch the movie kaemin lend to me. but once i on my laptop i realize i can online!! (THX GOD!)

ah..what to tell? My life lately had been moving so fast ^^ April and May 2008 definitely are the busiest and messiest time in my 20 years!

this time around is the time i miss my home the most, a place to rest my head and my mind. i wanted to be home so bad... but i cant. i have to hang on. (noo...i just read The Strait times, because of crude oil had reached $135/ barrel now, we will be saying bye bye to LCC flight :( hueks)

hey, i think i had landed my self at a job as Interior designer at a small ID firm at Sgp! goin to start as soon as the Spass out (which will be around 1-2 weeks from now) which means i need to travel there again to do room hunting @_@ heks.... even to think of it had make me feel so tired @_@ i wish i can get a place which is warm and...i will be able to see blue sky and green trees from my window.

i will talk more about it once i confirmed ya... the boss had submitted Spass application online (which cost only $10 for 1 year) and he said everything will be paid by office, and will have no binding contract. i guest this time i really had landed on a promising job.....

Oh, on my 2nd day i was exploring Bugis area alone, i came across a nice short jeans pants! and also my dream t-shirt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! guest what! a yellow Spongebob t-shirt!!!! I LOVE IT! and also i found a $10 nice shirt (pale yellow, white, and brown) it's nice! and it's written there '$10' (so hard to resist! :P) and there it goes my $25+$13+$10....

Then i went to Kuan yin Temple at Bugis, a very famous one (and noisy bcoz there's really alot ppl there) and pray for guidance.. then my legs bring me to a large Gothic church. i went in too, and pray again the same thing. it had been 3 years since the last time i been in a church. and orthodox church. (i came across a very pretty mosque too! feel like going in too!!!!!)

When i was inside either the temple or Church, i talked to God. Talking to God, and realizing how my life had gone better lately. How every single little things that happen yesterday which might seems bad actually is leading to a better plan than our humanly-plan. Some bad things that happened months before now when i looked back, i can see that it happened for reasons. And i thanked God for keeping me save from any danger. I'm grateful.

God, thank You so much for all Your guidance...i Love u...

between helping and getting hurt

never ever put yourself in this situation ok... your life is in your hand, so avoid putting yourself in a bad condition..

my dear friend told me this, the guy that she had crushed on come to tell her about how serious he is towards other girl and ask opinion about how to express his feeling.

(really something you usually saw on drama)

wah.. i asked her why would you want to be his counselor. he could go and pour his frustration to other friend. she said it's because they are good friend and she just want to help. returning the favor for always being helped by this guy.

the girl he had feeling for is avoiding him lately after he showed that he wanted another step. 3 of them are friends, so my dear know this girl too. and know obviously from the way they interact- both of them have feeling for each other. He and she played like they are couple. he and she act like they are lover. but still my dear can stop her heart from liking this guy too.

So i asked my dear, how brave you are to agree listening to him pouring out how he wants to be with that girl. i asked, what about your heart. didn't it break? did it hurt?

She said she can freely admit that she likes that guy. but she also understand everyone had right to like whoever they wanted to like. still, it sounds bad to me.

She said her heart had broken long time ago, hurt so bad, and heal again by prayer and logical analytical mind. it is obvious in her eyes that he likes the other girl. so she knows about it since long. but she told me she couldn't stop her heart from admiring him. but she manage to control her heart and back to her sense, keep being friend with both of them and take it as a lesson.

still, i feel that, she should have just avoid the conversation.

but she said after that conversation it make her heart burden lifted. at least she knows at that point that she can stop hoping for him. she is clear about everything now. unlike previously where she only guessing in the dark. it doesn't feel good she said. her mind keep telling her off, but her heart keep hoping and hoping and hurting herself when she saw them together.

she also never expect to be caught in that conversation.

hmn...for me, just like what Robert Kiyosaki said: it's important to get rich, but it is more important not to make yourself bankrupt when you building your wealth. So i think helping people is definitely a good thing, but it also important not to get yourself hurt. Am i an egoist for thinking like this?

Port dickson trip

miss. Kilikulu Tan Shi Kee

Other good thing that happened lately is my trip to Port dickson! :) visiting kilikulu's home.

She picked me up at saturday and i stay until tue morning. Her house is really comfortable, with a big garden and lot's of tree smell - it just nice :) such a home feel.....

thanks to kili i had tried double seat bicycle and sit in motorcycle after so long (5-8 years i think!) kili can drive motor leh~~~ hahaha so happy :)

And she drive me around to see her Port dickson and Lukut. i went to batu 8 beach - Teluk kemang and play water with her. hey.. who said port dickson beach is dirty? hahahaha~

{i was there!}

a bronze reflection on the sand

Port dickson girl on port dickson beach :P

lucky shot :)

after that we went to Tiara beach resort, the place where used to be popular for it's so-called-man-made-beach. it's a big swimming pool and surrounded by sand.

it must had been long-long time ago. It doesn't seems special.. and tiara beach resort looks like an apartment complex. the hotel looks like apartments. I'm surprise to see that PD had a lot of hotels!! and all of them are big, 10 levels and above, and each hotel have more than 3 buildings. especially when we passed by batu 4, along the sea side have a lots of hotel. and Shi kee said during holiday it's hard to book hotel room- because it always full!

PD is the nearest beach area around KL. she said mostly those who stayed the hotels are local tourist. PD town is really small and not happening. so i guest, it must be fully because of the sea that people visiting PD.

it's a nice trip :) beside of the holiday itself, i went to Columbia Asia hospital at Seremban and get my waist x-ray. doctor said my bone is normal. everything is normal. but my legs still feels uncomfortable... hmnn...

My last minute changes

so many things happened in this 3 weeks, it's a lot of GOOD things and some bad things.

let me start with the latest last minute decision case.

last week Singapore trip with dad (after the graduation ceremony) ended with i found a room at Redhill area with enca's help. it's her church friend's apartment with one vacancy. The whole apartment are indo girls, and it's a share room. it cost $390 for me, with electric and water it will become $440 each month. but renting that room means i will be bound by a-minimum-6 months-commitment. because at Singapore this and next month will be the moving in-out month, and after that people will settle down. if i suddenly moved out after 2-3 months then it will be hard for them to find a new person.

secondly, i get zero reply from all application i sent. i had tried called back for 2 that i want but still no reply. it feels very frustrated every time i checked my email and no new message in mailbox. more than 25 online application. perhaps the market had really slowed down.. or just i run out of luck?

thirdly, each time i enter Singapore i will be granted 30 days social visit. if within 1st 30 days i still didn't get any job offer, i need to come out (most probably to Malaysia, where my student visa still exist) and in again to be granted next 30 days. but the 3rd time i do that again it's most probably i wont get 30 days again. why? immigration might suspect I'm illegal worker!

one of my friend had found job there and started working while the permit is still in progress, so he had to go out and in Singapore 3 times (walking around in Sgp using social visit not S pass), and the 3rd time he only got 14 days! (Luckily within that 14 days finally his pending-approval-S pass came out)

Fourth, this is the most unforeseen reason. since 2 months ago i found that my right buttock feel uncomfortable after i sit too long at the office. that time happened only at Friday night (after whole week spending a lot of times sitting at chair) and slowly i feel it more, even when i sit at the car i will need to shift few times because....it just doesn't feel right. i can feel the bone. at 1st i think it's just because i sit too long. or i think too much. but lately i had feel it even more. even when i lay down at bed and when i walk. my right leg doesn't feel good at the lower hips.

and this week my left leg starts to feel -ma-pi- that kind of sensation you feel when your blood circulation not smooth, (in indo is called kesemutan) nah~ i start to feel it, 1st day is when i stand up after sitting. today, it's whole day long. when i sit, when i walk and when i lay down. not a very obvious or serious feel, but it's getting more and more :(

and this 3 days my right waist feels not good :( more and more uncomfortable :(

with all this added, i conclude that i should stay at KL 1st, go check my legs 1st and wait until i get job offer then only i move.

with all of this added, i cancel my saturday morning-bus-to singapore right on the night before the day (wasted RM35 bus ticket to sgp and RM50 bus ticket for sgp-KL which i prepared for langkawi trip) , i cancel the room at singapore (and pay for the penalty 1st month rental $390) and....went to Port dickson to stay for few days at kilikulu's house. Thanks to kili...i can sleep peacefully at her house and make small plan for few days ahead :)

what a messy weeks... I'm jobless, homeless, planless, luckless, restless (seriously, at morning i woke up feeling have to rush to check mail, and become frustrated because zero reply, and added my legs condition. and headache thinking how should i move, i cant sleep peacefully)

but because of all this happened, i realize how much people around me care for me. Thanks God for all this love, I'm really blessed..Thanks for all those cares, those help, those msn messenges, and those encouragement. I'm blessed.