love - my version

I believe in God, what about you? I know that I'm blessed, what about you?

Let me share with you a story, kinda ridiculous actually but it's oK, coz I wanted to prove that God's Love exist.

Last year, there's time when i was wondering what is love. (haha, i remember i had it in this blog, some post about it) I asked myself, what is love. not family or friend love, but love between he and she. I'm 20 and i can't identify what is love.

So i prayed and ask Lord: Lord, I'm 20 and i don't know what is love. I'm curious, can you teach me what is it? Can you show me how to identify love? Can you tel me what is it? Love-that everyone talks about. I wanted to know.

Today, half year had passed and i had that answer with me now. God had somehow teach me what it is, show me what it feels like through this time. it's only now when i looked back that i realize all those things that happened are answer to my own prayer.

had i become wiser now? i hope i am. now i had my own definition of it. Love is the feeling that you still want to care for him even though you had been hurt and you know where he sets his heart to. I made it sounds so pitiful, but it is not. it's a very light feeling. something calm and cooling. Not needy and not demanding.

yup, i can say that i had met love. this journey had give me the answer to my question. and i think it's enough. i never had his heart with me, but if you asked me do i feel sad or desperate, no. i am not. i am not lying. This experience is good enough for now :) hee-hee, after all i never asked for to in a relationship or what. Might sound cowardly to you but i cant accept long distant relationship. with me now moving to a new place, i don't want to be committed in any relationship that might drag me to unnecessary direction.....

That guy? he is somebody whom at 1st day meeting him i told myself: geez, i will never fall for this kind of guy. HAHAHAHA serious! He is so... not gentleman. not even holding the door for me you know!

but upon knowing him more, i admire his vision and character. knowing him makes me know how to dream. yah, a more vivid-solid dream about what i want for future. anyway, people who have dream and confident shines. That's why i want to shine too, to keep my dream and build my confident. He had his negative and plus points. nobody is perfect. We had different faith, and the difference appear mostly when we talked about intangible things. like happiness, love, doing good things and idea of God.

And...too bad, he had put his heart on other girl. And he, for being so insensitive come to tell me how he loves that girl. sad? no. actually by knowing where he sets his heart it's actually when i rest my heart from internal argument between my head (which keep telling me that it's obvious he loves her) and my heart (which even knowing that still hoping and get hurt)

knowing that all i still want to hear and help him make me think that it's funny. part of me says that it's because he had been nice and helpful to me, be there when i need help the most that's why i want to do the same. ya, it's just that simple. but maybe is because i want to be a more caring person. i had never been really caring before, so now when i had a chance to do it i will do it.

i will say this is my form of love. a light love. not bad for beginner. at least i know i am not the type of girl that will fall in love blindly and need people to drag me up from the hell. at least my head is still working and i believe that God will keep me away from harmful thing.

you can say that i haven't fully been in love. or it had to be done blindly that only can be called true love. or anything. we can debate about this until the end of time. hahahaha....

and knowing that i can love like this make me love myself more. people who feels good about themselves produce good result. and also, you have to love yourself so that others can love you. these 2 sentences are really true. i will practice it more.

Thanks God, my next prayer will be... a good and promising job that can be platform to make my dream come true~ now i want to focus on job and dreams. just not going to asked for love anytime soon. But God, if it is really happening then i will just follow your plan and please, let me know that it's love that's coming :)