post phuket trip

October is a very blessed month. so much things received and learned.

in a short, all my fear wasn't proven.

he treated me well, took good care of me when i was busy taking pictures and lots of time left at the tail of the group

his friends are great people, and very fun. i laughed a lot and extremely enjoyed myself.

God had most certainly blessed our trip. the weather was friendly. the rain pour exactly at the time we nearly arrived at the pier, and right after we finished our ATV trip, and stopped right before we depart for last island trip.

how amazing is that! thank you universe!

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regarding my story, Thank God for all the courage i had received. never know i can be this brave and told him all of my gratitude, and even initiate the talk of 'where are we going' with this relationship. i made it clear how i felt about him.

in the short, he said he isn't ready for any relationship.

deep down inside i know it, and i saw the 'old me' in him who wants to have things done one by one. career. study. then only love life. i ended up sharing stories that lead me to think that all of this can be done at the same time. the possibility is there. friends's stories. to have courage. to still move forward even if it the logical calculation is negative.

to be honest with my one's own heart. to explore the feelings even if the answer will be negative.

because i can testify how PLONG it felt.

i thought i would cry a river. i didn't. when i reached home, i am glad he had rejected me. it's time to start a new chapter. with a new bravery, to look for someone closer physically.

it is all  because i had been honest with my heart. my heart and i made a peace. i did all the things i wanted to do with him. leaning, holding his arm, holding his hand, and hugging. i initiate ALL of them. ALL.

me and my girls laugh when i told them this. none of us know i can be this brave =)

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so i thought this is it. but few days later he said he regretted what he did and asked if there's more chance for him.

one of the reason is because the person closest to his heart told him that there's some spot irreplaceable - reserved only for lovers. some stuff only your lovers could teach you.

i told him it's disappointing that he didn't sort his feeling through before the trip. i wasn't sure how he felt about me. but i did what i can do, i sorted my OWN feeling out. that is my responsibility to myself.

i gave him another chance. but i wasn't sure.

to be continued....

two more days till i will meet him.

as the time goes by, im getting less messages and less enthusiasm in the conversation.

and seems that we are less excited about going on a trip together than we were a month ago.

this is always where you started to wonder, what had went wrong.

of course, i keep reminding myself -the impermanence. things change and that's the natural law.

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i always wonder, what's his purpose in my story. and what's my purpose in his story.

one thing for sure, he had helped me to open my heart. i realize now i can do it and i no longer afraid.

when he left one day in the future, sadness shall be there. but i will never forget the huge favour he had given me.

besides that, i strangely come to realize that i want to be a bigger and stronger person who can support and lift him up when he's down.

he had been in a bad mood for a while because of his work, and im not sure how to cheer him up. besides being upset with my incapability, i am affected by his negativity as well.

once, he apologize if it's his negative aura that had affected my mood and my work. this is where i realize that i want to grow to be a bigger, stronger, wiser, and wider person. so that not only i wont be dragged down but also lift him up when he's down. to be able to listen and collected whatever sad angry tired words or mood and able to turn it upside down.

it is most certainly a difficult task for the current childish me. but i promise myself, i am growing myself out.

and this in following apply to lifting up my loved ones, dad and mom. bro. dear besties.

now i realize, as a wood- my purpose is to be able to absorb's mom's tremendous water and feed into dad's blazing fire. in order to do this i have to grow to be a big, bigger, huge tree.

this is my purpose to keep the balance in the home. to cheer other up when quarrel happened. and first of all, i have to learn not to be emotionally affected by the negativity.

---

so thank you, for in a indirect way had helped me to uncover my hidden purpose.

i hope i can be useful to you too, to be present in your life for a meaningful reason.
(i will make sure i let him know about my gratitude)

---

it's just a hunch, or irrational idea that sometimes happened. maybe in his story, i will be the one that give a gentle push that makes him realize his feeling for the person he admitted as the closest to his heart. as far as i can tell, he had found his soulmate.

or maybe he had realized it. that's why he is pulling away from me.

:'(

okay. enough emo-ing! i shall switch back to 'gratitude mood'

Thanks God, things had been great lately.

i am thankful for his presence, added a part in me that fuel my believe in myself even stronger. that i could do this, that i could face that, that i can (if not, learn to) handle things.

and this is very important for me personally.

my heart fell quite and im contented. feeling secured. 

in times when i am frustrated or faced with challenges, i remember what he shared about interaction and at times i managed to see things from another point of view -and get the negative feeling off and seeing things in a clearer way.

learn to laugh at myself, not to take things too seriously.

thank you for arriving in my life. and thanks God for allowing this to happen.

strange turn

......

following the sadness, there's come the anger, and venting it out to generous girlfriends who shared their ears for me. 

i blocked him on whatsapp, and while he was asking if anything happened over facebook message, i said i guess something happened, and things changes. and being childish, i un friend him right away. too sad to handle it at that point of time.

i have seen my brother flirting around with girls, and there's one un friend and block him after awhile, and because she means nothing to him, my brother was chill and find another toy to play with.

i am baffled as to why he asked me not to make my own deduction from assumption. and if there's anything i want to verify or clarify.

i told him, that's blood generous of you. i dont see that im in any position to ask for clarification -therefore from previous words said im drawing my own conclusion. but im taking his offer and i talked to him.

without expecting anything except to sort it out, so that in the future when i look back, i wont be eaten by curiosity.

to cut it short, he said that he wasn't just flirting around for the sake of flirting. he said that he really cares. 

so, the same degree of feeling are mutual. 

so is the same degree of confusion of what's to do next. 

we both agree that we dont know each other well and to take things as friend now. 

the best thing about him is that we have the very exact view on things related to relationship. so, it's good. this slow move, starting again like a normal friend and let it flow normally. i like it that way. i always wonder if such guy exist or i was just being naive. a guy friend said guys dislike wasting time putting effort to know a girl without knowing if there's a dating possibility. that's the common norm over here. i hate the feeling that im judged by them with the bar called 'are-you-a-suitable-candidate-to-be-my-girlfriend' it's demoralizing, because taste is personal preference, and when he rejects you based on his set of standard, you couldn't help but feeling unworthy somehow.  

just my luck. thank you universe! 

had i not made all that childish move, we wont be honest to each other. nor i would know how he felt bout me. so there really is meanings behind events that happened.

im sure there's more reasons to be revealed in the future. 

sad realization

i am writing this down to vent my sadness out, taking out the garbage, and maybe get a few different perspective from reading my own words.

i really want to talk to someone about this, but i don't know who to turn to.

i am not very sure how to start the story, but the topic is about emotional attachment to the wrong person.

first of all, i believe everything happened for a reason(s), which i might not understand all of it right now.

months ago, when i was feeling bored and dont know who to talk to, i randomly chat with this friend whom i known from my days in singapore.

after awhile, we got to a nice pace, he was becoming more talkative, opening topics, and asked bout how's my day and stuffs going on on my side.

i really appreciate his companionship, and as days passed by, he constantly put smiles at my face.

the problem starts when i think he started to cross the line.

calling dearest, daily messages, honey, flirting here and there. asking me to dream of him. ect.

which at first, im just simply enjoying it and glad to have him around.

unfortunately as time passed by, heart grows greedy.

without realizing it, i feel so sad when there's a week i realized he suddenly cut his flow of msgs, or become not-that-responsive during conversation. i thought, alright. it's time to let go.

but the next week he's back, cheerful as he sounds the previous week. at first i just take it lightly, back to casual friend context.

but two nights ago, i got a chance to asked him 'what do you think the purpose of a relationship is?'

because he mentioned before when he talked bout his ex -they broke up because they were too young to understand the purpose of a relationship.

he was quick to answer - (im copy pasting this)

• i think it was mere a puppy love
• jadi bukan berdasarkan love, cuman berdasarkan attractiveness, or 'like'
  
  
  -

  what is it for you now?
  
  
  for me now?
  maksudnya skrg gt? knp ngga cari pasangan kah
  
  
  -bukan
  • i just want to see your view bout it
    
    
    my view about my past?remains unchanged
    • in fact i believe that a good relationship is the one which we are enriching each other, so to be enjoyed together
    • and since i still have to spread my wings, venturing myself, which may cause distances
    • we opt to ended it there
    • which some women are not meant to be in a distance
      
      
      the next following day, i was laughing at myself. ah, so at least i had clarified it. fine. 
      
      
      perhaps it's PMS, but my mood swing 180 degree today.
      
      
      i feel sad, and silly. and realized why all this while he spent time talking to me. 
      
      
      because im just someone over the whatsapp, who aren't meant to be taken seriously. neither today nor tomorrow.
      not even into consideration, considering our distance.
      
      
      sad, but it's okay. im pulling out my emotional investment.

i had been timid all my life, and im still a timid person working my way out of my timidness.

im blessed with clients who are brave and they are just willing to spend money to make something beautiful and took all the trouble to find the best perfect solution/ fittings.

im blessed to be able to work with these kind of passionate people.

through being in touch with them im being encouraged to speak out my mind, to offer my suggestion in which sometimes i myself -the back of my mind often shout -no! that's too extravagant! lots of spending!

they are some fearless people who enjoy their life and couldn't care much about what people might said or think. they are brave and so they shine. and it means so much to me- the tiny me who are living with fear day in day out.

i came home yesterday and i decided that i should turn on our outdoor lamp-the one that highlight our plain white wall. just two downlights, from 10pm to approximately 6am. i believe it wont cost too much electricity.

but my mom found that out and tell me not to do that anymore, 'it highlight our house. it makes it stand out too much'

you see, im sick of being afraid and im sick of all this covering up-you must not stand out-attitude.

im sick of this. and thanks God i had some glimpse of hope.

wow. it's been a looooong while.

i had an exciting day, but i wonder if it is this PMS thingy that left me feeling bad now.

or is it because i cant seems to design anything good now?

this has really got me thinking how fragile is this thing called 'happiness'