may i soon gain the wisdom that i need to properly and fully let my heart understand that up and downs are just what it is. that he is just like a sunset scene. fleeting. mesmerizing, but not to be hold on to.

i wonder how long more will it takes to clear it out. all of it.

doors and goodbye

in the book im currently reading, there's a line that intrigue me:

when one door closes, Universe will make sure another one opens.

it says, it's just the natural law.

it works well for my freelancing work. really.

now i have to stop looking behind. if we will meet again one day, i have to believe it is for the better. if we dont, then it is also for the better.

i had also just finished 'think like a man act like a lady' inside, it shows how a man shows his affection in a form different from the way girls do it. how to identify it. how to appreciate it.

if i had read that book before, i would have known how he felt about me and wont be left so much in doubt about one sided feeling.

but again, everything happens for a reason.

at least, now i know. and still so much more to keep learning about.

so, goodbye..

failed plan

my plan failed. seems that he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.

to be honest, by knowing that he felt the same as i do, childish and self centred, i feel so much lighter.

it really surprise me that he apologize first before i could say it, although just by text message. what he said was exactly what i will say. that i was childish and only focus on my own feeling.

no wonder it didn't work out for us.

by knowing that it wasn't wholly my fault, i can forgive myself better now.

so it's been a week since i started talking to him casually.

i wonder if i should write a proper explanation, explaining why i approached him so carelessly when it was me myself and i who said i would keep a distance from him.

should i make my intention clear or just keep it to myself now?

my intention? i just want us to be friend again. no hard feeling. no regret.

it is very sad to see haze is covering singapore. and flood flooding some areas of jakarta. at the same time i feel blessed that none of this happens when im in the towns. so protected by the Universe. thank you very much. really.

once, my college teacher told me to write down my thoughts when im brainstorming or when im confused. tying them down to a paper is a best way to rearrange that bundle of mess.

i had started random short greetings with him this morning. i keep reminding myself, do not fall for him again. just correct your mistake. put no other expectation, that's your downfall. no donkey fall in the same pit twice. but im tired of being a coward. my heart is tired of being afraid. yet im afraid of contacting him. afraid of his reaction. afraid of what will become, will i create more hurts to both of us? 

...

writing this down make me realize that im at very least make a small step towards changing my heart condition instead of sitting and be a victim. im doing it despite of my fear.

im home!

after 10 days of holiday, it is time to (re)collect money and saving up for my next holiday.

thank you Lord for your continuous protection, You had kept me save from everything: the rain, flood, accidents, con artists, kidnapper, snatch thieves ect ect.

i caught up with old friends, foods, and shopping. and i was introduced to two very tasty dishes that has lengthen my food list. one is a roasted dug leg from SAVEUR singapore and another one is steak from HOLY COW jakarta.

the highlight of this journey is seeing the church door opened at the tune of the piano, and saw my dear high school friend in a beautiful white gown, with her dad on her right, marched toward the groom. she was beaming with joy, obviously feeling blessed looking at the audiences inside her wedding ceremony.

and also laughing my heart out, randomly at random stuffs with both of my darlings. Inside a department store, we were walking together side by side when i suddenly said, 'ah! so pretty!' and i walked toward a bag, while my darling on the left rush to the left and my daring on the right walk to the right side, and i looked around to find them both starring at different items and said, 'yes,so pretty right?'

i also met up with him. and unknowingly, i realize i still have huge regret about us. a big sense of guilt. totally unfinished and totally not over him yet.

as for now, at least im glad that im forced to face this fact only 8 months late. not 8 years late.

and as for now, im not really sure what to do to overcome my regret. to get over him. may Universe open up some clues for me as to what i have to do, and courage for me to actually do whatever needed.

almost everything is packed, ticket printed, meeting arranged =)

even accommodations are cleared, thanks to generous girlfriends.

3 friends already mentioned that they will introduce me their guys =) im feeling relieved, happy, flattered and envious at the same time.

because i had heard their past stories of hearts being broken. now they proved me that hearts can heal. and the better one awaits ahead.

can't wait!