12-12-12

the last we will ever encounter in this lifetime.

let's do something meaningful today.

i hope i can learn to tame my heart soon.

i stumbled upon a friend's blog.

and i realize how far i am from being calm right now. my head is all jumbled up and i keep looking for comfort without properly facing the real issues.

discipline my mind - i must.

i immediately thought of him when i woke up and check my phone. it's already been a habit since this past 6 months, exchanging morning greetings. those simple messages used to make me smile.

at home we hired part time cleaner and today she said she was sick and couldn't come in. but eventually she showed up around 11 and i was reluctant to let her in, because it's almost half day has been gone.

it's not the money problem, i can totally pay her full. but given that she is an old frail thin lady it really felt like she is taking advantage of me, that i should give her pity and slashed her workload for today and still pay her full sum.

i didn't want to open the door and was trying to send her home, told her to take a rest and recover and tell her to come in tomorrow when she is feeling better. she said she forced herself to eat and had medicine and is feeling better already. she brought her medicine with ger and she is not free tomorrow.

at times like this, i thought of him and wonder what he would say if i tell him this story.

thanks God i have dad. He listened. and said let it be. i know, im not angry, im just thinking how should i see this situation. what kind of witty words i should have said.

i couldn't guess what he would say. he is totally right, we dont know each other that well.

today i heard the song 'stand by me' - and makes me think, next time i will stick my leg deep enough and stand by the person of my choice. do not walk away that easily.

i wish he could stood by me. but but but i totally understand his move. it's giving me exactly what i needed, a confirmation of closure.

it's a happy day, i had a gathering at angel's house and after the meal we sing K using her new karaoke system.

they picked a song that triggered my childish move. i felt it was a sign from universe and got impatience because of that. no, im not blaming anybody. now i know it's a test to see how clear i am of what i want, not because people are hinting and asking but be truly listening only to my own heart.

where do i want us to be right now?

it's a bitter sweet feeling listening to it. im simply not mature enough.

today i missed him a little bit here and there, but it's a calm kind of missing. i wonder if he is having a good day. outing with superb friends or staying home studying? is it a sunny saturday or rainy one?

today i feel that we will meet again, at a right time. at a better time. to travel together. see some foreign cities. eat random local delicacies. trying to capture as much as possible with our eyes and phone cameras. walk, and walk, and walk.

at God's will, that's it. at God's will.

but friends, dont worry. i am not fixing that vision on a particular person. that's just sad and wasting the present. im just keeping the feeling that im not alone now. i just need to learn and earn my patience. then the right guy will appear and teach me many other lessons of life. no, not necessary a direct teaching. but through our interaction, many things will be earned and learned.

he who cares for me. and he whom i cared for.

i wonder what's the next lesson?

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my bestie told me i shouldn't measure anything in my life in comparison to others' pace. each person has their own story to live, all at different beat. She said that regardless what others said, if i feel that's the right thing to do i should be brave to do so.

true, since the others wont carry that burden of regret.

but somehow i feel the time is yet right. i don't know when, but it is not now.

today i brought my phone to samsung service centre once more. the lady has warned me that it's 50-50 either it works or it will be a goner. totally crashed.

thank you samsung S1, without you i wont have what i had. those important memories.

i told her it's been doing nothing but collecting dust at my table. i better take my shot.

then i realize something.

why the phone crashed was beyond me. and why it crashed at the time it chose is also beyond me. but surely it happened for a reason that i cannot understand now.

today i see that it was a test. it was actually a test. i should have understand that my smart phone is a very crucial element to get in touch with him who is thousand miles away. i shouldn't have underestimate that power and being ignorant and thought we can still leave each other emails or sms.

it didn't work. i crashed. i ended up being greedy and turning insecure and then running towards the exit as if it's a race -either he abandon me or i leave first. my mind had turned me into a lunatic!!

i should always take good care of the instrument, the carriage. the story might turn out differently if let's say we had known each other for years. but we aren't. stupid me.

Paulo's words in his book has brought some cool breeze to sooth my pain of knowing i ruin everything.

mistakes happen so we could learn from it and evolved. it is a necessary element of the growth.

Lord, may i be given the wisdom to understand the meaning of this, and of everything else that will come or had come on my way.

you know, i wrote him a letter saying how grateful i am for everything he did for our first date.

the very first and also....the very last.

i hand wrote it and sent it by post. i wonder if he has read it by now or not.

why didn't i make a copy of that? i want to always be able to remember those little details. thank you for having take good care of me and i will always cherish that.

and i am sorry. i ruin everything.

im sure there's a meaning and lesson behind this. i hope to be able to learn and absorb it as soon as possible.