in other words, try to make the better out of everything.
one thing im working on right now is to overcome the feeling 'i should not be here'
it is strongest felt here at manado. recognize it as the residue of the past.
as oppose to while i was at singapore. wherever i go or whomever new friends that i met, i rarely felt that way. thus i was in peace and comfortable with myself. and being more comfortable i felt much more enjoying and living in the present.
realized one of the biggest mistake i made is to grow up thinking i should be somewhere else. keep feeling 'i should not be here' or 'i dont belong here' or 'i miss my old friends' blocked me from appreciating the presences of the people i am with at the moment.
i think it is partly because of my shyness, and fueled with weekly meeting at grandma house, and always hearing things that make me feel bad (alright, i was a super emo person) so even to today grandma house has a big big label of 'i dont belong here' - in my head. i winced at the notion of visiting there.
thank you universe, i had been given chance to look back and to analyze and to decide to overcome it. to learned and to proceed to the next level as a better person.
last sunday the gathering was okay. auntie said i improved when she recognize me greeting everybody loud enough to be heard. she said, 'that's good, you had become sweeter in your talk'
gosh, all i did was just saying hi, i wasn't even asking how they are doing nowdays.
guest i was extremely bad back then. true, i speak in a low volume. and i used to hate attention. always wants to fade into the background and just leave me alone with my comics. how could i not be? when all they said was how bad i was, i should have bcome more like bla bla bla or bla bla bla and back home to be scolded by mom again and again simply bcoz i was skinny and said her family thought she didn't feed me thus i need to eat up and join in the auntie talk- which was totally unfair because at the first place they said 'when elders are talking kids should not cut in'
how contradicting. true, human makes mistakes. and what my mom did hurts beyond what she can imagine and leave me growing up unable to appreciate things as what it is or in better shade but always looking for a hole to hide and think 'i should not be here'
---
the funny thing is, this very notion brought me to malaysia. thinking i should not be at manado, i blanked my mind and cant wait to get out from manado to somewhere else. but the feeling followed and first few months i keep looking back and missing my high school friends of whom honestly i didn't really feel close to while i was there because i was too busy missing the previous school friends and the circle goes on
but God is good, universe provide. i met friends who accepted me for the bad egg i was, friends with whom i can feel comfortable being me and feel i become a better person while i was with them.
and now looking back, i was almost feed of this sickness while in the new place but now i realize i must face the harder part of this chapter, which is to face it in the old place.
you know how i realize this? probably it is already going in the subconsciousness, but it didn't hit the surface until the celebration of Guan Kong birthday. that day dad and i went to temple only to realize we need to make a visit to Guang Kong temple and make a small procession into the temple. walking in, seeing the crowd gathered, i tried to hide and naturally the notion surface up 'gosh, i shouldn't have followed dad! i shouldn't have come!'
thanks to all the deities, for i just suddenly thought 'no!! i shouldn't keep continuing thinking so! look, there's so much things to see here, and we wont be long, just absorb the present and enjoy things as what it is!' and then i decided to switch to 'the curious tourist' mode and eventually leave all shyness behind and enjoy the event. and naturally time doesn't feel that long anymore.
the 'curious tourist' mode is what i used most of the time when i just come to singapore, feeling shameless to ask and to inquire just like a tourist in a new place and so full of curiosity to learn and be like a sponge to absorb it. it is good, and i carried it all the way even until now when i go back there.
and now after this post, i must always remember to use it any time and anywhere.
as oppose to while i was at singapore. wherever i go or whomever new friends that i met, i rarely felt that way. thus i was in peace and comfortable with myself. and being more comfortable i felt much more enjoying and living in the present.
realized one of the biggest mistake i made is to grow up thinking i should be somewhere else. keep feeling 'i should not be here' or 'i dont belong here' or 'i miss my old friends' blocked me from appreciating the presences of the people i am with at the moment.
i think it is partly because of my shyness, and fueled with weekly meeting at grandma house, and always hearing things that make me feel bad (alright, i was a super emo person) so even to today grandma house has a big big label of 'i dont belong here' - in my head. i winced at the notion of visiting there.
thank you universe, i had been given chance to look back and to analyze and to decide to overcome it. to learned and to proceed to the next level as a better person.
last sunday the gathering was okay. auntie said i improved when she recognize me greeting everybody loud enough to be heard. she said, 'that's good, you had become sweeter in your talk'
gosh, all i did was just saying hi, i wasn't even asking how they are doing nowdays.
guest i was extremely bad back then. true, i speak in a low volume. and i used to hate attention. always wants to fade into the background and just leave me alone with my comics. how could i not be? when all they said was how bad i was, i should have bcome more like bla bla bla or bla bla bla and back home to be scolded by mom again and again simply bcoz i was skinny and said her family thought she didn't feed me thus i need to eat up and join in the auntie talk- which was totally unfair because at the first place they said 'when elders are talking kids should not cut in'
how contradicting. true, human makes mistakes. and what my mom did hurts beyond what she can imagine and leave me growing up unable to appreciate things as what it is or in better shade but always looking for a hole to hide and think 'i should not be here'
---
the funny thing is, this very notion brought me to malaysia. thinking i should not be at manado, i blanked my mind and cant wait to get out from manado to somewhere else. but the feeling followed and first few months i keep looking back and missing my high school friends of whom honestly i didn't really feel close to while i was there because i was too busy missing the previous school friends and the circle goes on
but God is good, universe provide. i met friends who accepted me for the bad egg i was, friends with whom i can feel comfortable being me and feel i become a better person while i was with them.
and now looking back, i was almost feed of this sickness while in the new place but now i realize i must face the harder part of this chapter, which is to face it in the old place.
you know how i realize this? probably it is already going in the subconsciousness, but it didn't hit the surface until the celebration of Guan Kong birthday. that day dad and i went to temple only to realize we need to make a visit to Guang Kong temple and make a small procession into the temple. walking in, seeing the crowd gathered, i tried to hide and naturally the notion surface up 'gosh, i shouldn't have followed dad! i shouldn't have come!'
thanks to all the deities, for i just suddenly thought 'no!! i shouldn't keep continuing thinking so! look, there's so much things to see here, and we wont be long, just absorb the present and enjoy things as what it is!' and then i decided to switch to 'the curious tourist' mode and eventually leave all shyness behind and enjoy the event. and naturally time doesn't feel that long anymore.
the 'curious tourist' mode is what i used most of the time when i just come to singapore, feeling shameless to ask and to inquire just like a tourist in a new place and so full of curiosity to learn and be like a sponge to absorb it. it is good, and i carried it all the way even until now when i go back there.
and now after this post, i must always remember to use it any time and anywhere.
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