it's xmas eve.

i had a nice dinner with an old friend, whom i know from my time spent at singapore. he came over for a wedding anniversary dinner and we met up for a meal tonight.

it was a nice catching up. glad to have a nice dinner with him.

and it's xmas eve.

i want to write an email to Will.

my brain says, but you know what's the consequences right? promise me you wont be checking your mail every 1 min to see if he send in any reply. that will just drive you crazy. you know he has all the right to not reply you right?

can you put up with that?

.........

i have to learn to put up with that.

it's entertaining how much you information you can get by google-searching somebody.

i type his name in google and found his resume, very well written. short and informative, very efficient.

and found his youtube page, saw what videos he gave 'like' to.

GOSH< this is what a stalker do isn't it!!

dont worry, i find myself not that interested in what videos he watched anymore.

ps: thank God since zillion years ago i had set this blog to -not showing up- in search engine.

on contrary, i still feel an anger when i thought of that girl.

hmnnnn i need more time to let this go. i thought, is the lack of information lead me to this irrational thoughts? do i need to collect more information to understand her better so i can loosen this knot that i have?

no. the answer lies within me.

DAMN IT.

it's my own fault. i dropped by to his best friend's facebook page. and i still harbour such a strong dislike towards this girl. very very very irrationally dislike her.

one day i will see this post again and hopefully by then i will look at this and,

'?!?!why did i feel that?!'

i still miss him. the good news is, it's just for few minutes, or fraction of seconds.

the moment i breath in the cool, crisp mountain breeze, when i stepped into the balcony and take in the beautiful view, i thought of him. i want to share this with him. because it's beautiful.

----
my aunt excitingly telling stories of my cousin's life as a doctor. she made everything sounds so interesting, and i am interested in knowing. then i thought -if only i have such an interesting days.

then i thought, perhaps it's not about what's going on. but more to having somebody who are interested in knowing what happens. what had happened.

thank you for being interested in my days Will.

certainly made me feel special. so special.

----
in the end, i refrain from sending him email saying that i glad he had been there for me. maybe i will do it along with 'merry xmas will!' or postpone to 'hey, happy new year! thank you for making my 2012 a most wonderful journey so far!'

important

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-5379/How-Do-You-Know-When-You-Love-Someone.html

shared by a dear friend, i think i need to read it many times before understanding things better.

seems like what i have for him is feeling love, because i dont know what is loving someone means. maybe he does, that's why it is so difficult for him.

and he most definitely weight his choices seriously.

it's been about 20 days since the last time we talk.

this morning i woke up noticing the birds chirping happily outside my window.

the world didn't end yet.

and i am feeling so much better. when i thought of him, it doesn't hurt anymore. nor i want to holding on to anything anymore.

his present - rilakkuma USB still hanging at my lamp looking at me. i can smile looking at it now.

one day, i really would like to know how long does it takes for him to get over me.

---

this morning i thought, it's such a speedy learning- that in a short about 6 months period, i had learned so much from him. no wonder i felt like i had known him for a while.

the opposite isn't feeling the same though. he hadn't learned much from me that's why he felt we need much more time to get to know each other first. ahh...no wonder. (no, not by assumption. i asked him this on our trip to phuket and he couldn't really answer me)

i fell for him when once we talk, what do you think a relationship is for.

we had the exact same answer. to get to know each other better and to learn from each other, to grow into a better person.

the amount of things i learned from him is kinda equal to what i had learned from my besties. whom i had known for over 5 years. it's true that there's certain things only lover -one romantically related to you- can taught. not family, not friends, not even best friends.

you can keep your besties for life. no wonder some people rather stay bff than going out from that zone. i STILL pondering if he truly love that girl just as a bff. or he is just a coward hiding behind 'bff'

but that's not my story. only future can tell me this, later. some point later in this life.

im confused.

i want to tell him, 'in case the world end tomorrow, i want to tell you that im glad you had come into my life. you made my 2012 the best i have had so far'

i guess im not feeling that strongly about it anymore. seems like slowly, with the help from TIME, i can get over this.

but anybody who had been through this knows, time doesn't heal. it takes time to heal, but time alone doesn't heal.