If tomorrow never comes,

Will he knows how much I love him?

Well, or more towards very thankful that he arrived in my life.

He was my prayer answered. And he grew to be the person I want to be with at few points of time. He evolved to be the guy that I want at the time I wanted to have.

He made my 2012 such a meaningful, sweet and full of surprises and learning. I believe I had grown quite a lot compare to myself a year ago, today.

thank you for being a part of my life. I shall always treasure the memories of you.

I went from 'i am alright' to 'it's cool' to 'I don't think of him too much now' to 'I miss him a lot' at a random speed. It kinda slow down today, but as I saw my friend awkwardly and shy introducing her new boyfriend, I thought to myself,

Ah.. When can I be in that position. I'm sure I won't look as shy as her today.

It's another beautiful night. Clear sky with lotsa stars. Reminds me of him who used to say he wanted to be an astrounaut, that's his childhood dream.

I want to show him the view that I saw tonight. And yesterday night. So beautiful.

I miss having someone to share bout my days. Probably not so much on missing him personally.

I thought for a while. Will I be less jealous if his best friend isn't a lively pretty slim and small built lady? Is it gonna be better if she is fat and short and non fashionable?

It's such an absurd way of looking for security isn't it?

Does anybody knows why is it such a big deal for me for wanting to make sure that he knows how I feel about him? That I'm thankful for everything (listing it down one by one) and it feels so important that it doesnt ended up like lots of SMS between us - sent but not delivered.

Why? Yeah why?

Why is it that I'm afraid my feeling isn't delivered?

No, I am not looking for acceptance anymore.

But at this point, I pause and wonder. Maybe to him it doesn't matter anymore. Timing is crucial.

But to me, today, it is still.

this is so shitty.

at the half end of the day i miss him badly.

i want to travel to see other towns with him. stroll down the road, sightseeing. hand in hand.

there's a day when i told him i was designing a fish pond for my client and was finding inspiration looking at photos i took at phuket.

i show him a photo of a water pond.

he immediately said, oh, it's the one at-bla -bla bla.

'really? you know which one this pond is?' i wasn't convinced.

and he explained. he really knows, and i was blown away.

'i checked you out quite often'

never crossed my mind that anybody who isn't in the same field could actually remember and recognize this random photo taken without much background identification.

at very least, i am really touched knowing that there's someone in this world that could give me this kind of attention.

i miss him.

this is what i had learned

finally i called my best girl last night

one magical soul, with whom i shared alot things in common. not only the way we run our mind, but magically, things that befall us.

especially in 2012, i feel it so strongly that our stories mirror each other's almost exactly. when i was upset about my mom, so she was. when she was most concerned about her future path, so i was. when i was flowering because of Will, so she was with a guy named Henry. when i was upset and about to end things with Will back then, so she was deciding to end things with Henry. things happened almost around the same time this year. some of my stories had happened to her earlier, so she shared what she had learned from it and vice versa.

this time, im afraid to tell her earlier. afraid that maybe subconsciously we could try to mirror each other's decision.

but good news! while my story has really reached an end with no sequel possible, she told me she is entering a new phase. almost in a relationship. he, of all people who had failed persuading her- managed to melt her heart despite all of his shortcomings.

im so glad for her. she managed to come out of her comfort zone and decided to open her heart.

she tried so hard to tell me not to blame myself.

i kept recounting all of the mistakes, analysing the stories and tell her that i was wrong thinking we had known each other for almost a year- while for him it's started to count after he confessed that he wanted to try to work things out with me two months ago.

i told her that i was wrong taking for granted of not having a smart phone. crucial LDR instrument.

i was wrong to be so childish posting inappropriate things in facebook without talking to him beforehand.

i was wrong going all the way deciding that he will surely turn out to be a jerk that wont give me any status confirming our relationship.

i was wrong for falling short on my confidence, felt insecure of losing his attention, therefore desperately wanting to tie him down. biggest mistake a girl could ever make.

'i dont want you to blame yourself for everything. you started to feel insecure after getting less messages -that's a two ways thingy. it's not entirely your fault.'

thank you dear. you are right.

im not so much on feeling-it's all my fault- but just seeing those mistakes and promise myself to learn from it.

mistakes are crucial process for us to evolve. so long as we learn from it.

yesterday i talked to my old friend, our mutual friend.

a funny one, he immediately asked if im feeling better by now.

'you know what, i have got a good news for you!'

for a split second, i thought he will tell me 'Will has already got a girlfriend' . wait, how does that a good news for me??

he said:

'i saw you sipping bubble tea and you are okay. you are laughing about what we are talking now. i time travel into the future'

HAHAHHAHHA, zha dao!!!! it's been a very very long time since the last time somebody boomed me XD

hey, thanks alot man! really appreciate that you travel into the future just to check if im okay.

tell me to pay for your bubble tea too! i still owe you a meal for saving my ass when i was working on my final project!

my heart still pain pain here and there

today i went to my friends' engagement party.

she is a very kind person. i remember back then we used to talk about how we were still single and other friends had found their partner (or had already changed few times)

now that she is engaged, and i am still single.

on my way home, i took a wrong turn but i ended up passing by Kuan Yin temple. a place i had in mind that i wanted to visit. it's on a busy area- very packed and crowded -wholesale shops on weekdays. especially on December.

i prayed and asked for guidance.

the ciam si i took tell me not to be greedy. moving forward will only means danger. negative answer.

i think for a while, and felt relieved.

my struggle come from the fact that i keep wondering when can i continue my stories with him. when can i talk to him again. if i can do it better. with the same person.

i am sure i will feel much lighter once i can totally let this go.

William, thank you for arriving in my life. till the end you are still teaching me one very important lesson.

letting go when it's the time to let go.

happiness should be simple. life should be simple.

i had been stupid, i had made mistakes.

and yesterday i realize, 'what's more are you waiting to hear? he has stated it very clearly that there's no possibility for you two. why do you keep fooling yourself?'

true, by keep missing him here and there, i cant move on at all.

i think this is a lesson about letting go and moving on. for real. 

with this guy i had few 'i think it's time to move on' but there's some more stories after that.

i am keeping the hope that there will be more stories to come. i would love to.

but on the other hand, i also understand that it is necessary to very cleanly end this chapter before i could have any other new stories to come.

:(