and im officially 26th.

i look back and i see not much had been done in 25th. no milestone. nothing much to say about it.

i didn't move any closer to any dreams. i didn't in particular make more friends. i dont exactly grow as much as i was in 24th. and my birthday wish last year didn't come true.

let's change it now. for this 26th. let's start by promising to be kind to everybody. and not to allows any soul to bring me down. no matter what.

a step closer. i think i am a step closer to open my heart again.

a year. almost a year. that's how long it takes.

hopefully i get to be friend with you, to travel with you, and share many things with you.

'God will makes everything beautiful in its time' have faith girl.

thanks God for my bangkok trip, it was the best holiday trip ever. seriously.

i made a good arrangements, my work was properly arranged before i left, and also i had a good rest before departure. i love the hostel and it was super cheap. 

and above all, i travelled with the best companion ever. my soul sister whom i had known for 10 years by now.

and Universe had protected us throughout the journey too. the korean hostel-room mate said it had been raining for the past few days but the next day it was all sunny. which allowed us to proceed with our initial plans =)

and the best thing about travelling with her probably will be that no matter how tired we get, we can still talk about something that could lighten up our mood. 

so, im back to bangkok five years later, to fulfil my promise during my first visit.

im back to bangkok without achieving any of my targets back then. except maybe to study at western country.

so i made new goal, and i will be going back when i turn 30 =)

Donald Trump said, THINK BIG and Will Smith said, PROTECT YOUR DREAM

this morning i went out to meet a very old friend, to catch up with her. she is currently in the midst of preparing for her marriage. so long hasn't talk to her.

she is one of the coolest headed- confident- dont give a shit-kind of girl. clear cut and decisive.

so much to learn from her. a very inspiring breakfast talk.

she shared with me her insight. and pointed out few times that there's no perfect match couple. the character wont match or click instantly. it will need lots of work to make it work. that's the point of a relationship.

and also i realize, i cannot afford to bring him up anymore. it still hurt and i am still sad thinking, at the back of my mind, wishing for the unnecessary thing. i will not talk about him to any friend anymore from this day onward.

i get dishearten easily. i feel out of place easily. and i feel rejected easily.

but i want to change all that, to become stronger and emotionally independent. confident.

and because im this way, i have to work harder than other people.

so much fighting the voices in my head that's constantly dragging me down.

Tonight's radio topic is about first love, or public transport love encounter.

there's a lady who called in to tell about how she caught a guy's eyes. she was in the bus, he was at the bus stop. this was her first love story.

it turned out that he lived in the same floor, and his sister was her friend. but she had not been noticing him because she worked in the day time and went to night school. so they hardly bumped into each other. but that was term break. so they met.

it also turned out that her younger sister had a crush on him. and subsequently, her cousin sister who came for a visit also fell for him. (awww. the DJ started asking, he must be very handsome!!)

but despite all of that, the guy had been trying his best to showed her his intention. like how once they were all having activity together. he purposely went home to change his attire to something similar of that lady's. noticing that, she quickly went home to change to something else because she felt her younger sister was very unhappy about it. but-he quickly went to change for the second time, insisting the couple-look-attire.

(aww,so seeeeweeeettt)

but to her back then, family was her priority so she ended it because didn't want her younger sister to be upset.

---
btw, when i was in singapore, i often see a very cute guy riding on the same bus as i was. he boarded before my stop and get down after my stop.

he always dress up casual. just tshirt and jeans. i think he can't be an office worker. and i used to have a very late office check in hour, so it was around 9.30 in the morning when i usually caught the bus., 20 mins ride.

sometimes, i met him on bus when i went home. definitely he works somewhere around my office area too.

this kind of things makes you wonder isn't it?

another congratulation to my dear girlfriend!! i am really really happy for you!

around the time i was very sad, i happened to know that she was also having heart break moment. we catch up and she told the story of a guy was caught between two girls. a very unhappy story.

i haven't catch up with her for months and suddenly i saw her facebook post up happy photos with her new man. a very good looking one too ;)

she looks so happy and blissful, and i can't help but smiling ear to ear too.

thank you for giving me hope. really.

God will make everything beautiful in it's time.

im not sure if it is pms, or because i haven't been talking with friends for the past weeks i got all cranky.

yesterday a thought passed my head.

'do people born shy or conditioned into it?' -i quickly answer it myself. 'they are born that way.'

then i thought, 'i wish i wasn't born shy.'

then there's another thought answering: 'but you have a life time opportunity to work on it girl.'

since i was small, i never like the idea of big birthday party. i prefer just 4 of us. that will do.

partly because i was very shy. i don't have many friends and i don't enjoy crowd.

partly maybe i just want us, small celebration.

---
now there's a japanese sushi restaurant open here.

i asked dad and mom to go try it tonight and they said they want to invite their friends too.

but it is then cancelled because their friends couldn't make it.

i am upset. it feels like it is not good enough if it is just with me.

i think what i like about Dating Agency Cyrano is that the lead actress knows clearly that she likes him and be very clear about it, although there's another hunk chasing after her.

i like her optimism, how she bravely and confidently confronted him, and even purposely move closer to him even though he has rejected her (although he is showing that he cares in his actions)

maybe it feels like that she ended up finding her happiness because she works hard through opening his heart. that kind of thing everybody dream of: if you work hard, you will surely earn it.

but we all know it might be true for work but not for heart. sometimes, it doesn't work that way.

but surely everything will lead you to the right one. right? i have to believe.

recently i watched a nice korean drama =) it's been a while since i found a nice one!

light comedy, and i didn't expect the lead actress acting is pretty good =) the chemistry with the lead actor was there too. only later that i found out that he is 24 years older than her!

oh well, he isn't good looking either, but i really enjoy the flow.

recommended: Dating Agency Cyrano

from clothing to my work to how i talk to EVEN HOW I LAUGH

you said it was all ugly.

i can't belief it's even to my choice of music.

i dont think i can ever love anybody who is that different from me, and who keeps criticizing me.

at most, i can only not hate you. that's at most.

congratulation to my dear friend who had found her new happiness!

you has given me a new hope, made me smiling ear to ear and lend me the courage that i need in order to move on.

knowing bits of your heart break story, you was once a ship wrecked in a middle of a storm. but that was all in the past now. really really really happy for you! you know that right?

-----
last month i mentioned that he finally stopped replying to my mail. i thought, finally, it wasn't me who give up this time. it is understandable that you do not wish to continue this random chat. but i saw his reply today.

he should have just left it there. really.

i thought of scolding him. or just delete it. 'is this a battle of the wit?'

nay, i think it's sort of a test. i replied him short.

today, im no longer curious or having lots of things i want to say or i want to know about him. today, im no longer feeling hurt imagining him with another girl. today, after seeing his recent photos with a pretty young lady-who was clearly declaring her interest in him in her body language & displaying their intimacy- i can wish him well. good luck with that pretty lady or anybody else.

and today, i can understand that the guy and girl can be just friend. or brother-sister type of love.

today, i think i can start to look for my new happiness.

Have i ever mentioned that there's a particular drama that i really like, despite it wasn't popular?

i thought, if only i could be as brave as the lead actress. i want to be that brave when it come to being honest with my own feeling.

and i kinda like the gentle, serious -lead actor.

have i ever mentioned that my story with him, turns out to be a very similar replica to that drama? in a very strange way, it did. i turned to become that brave character whom i admired, and i also turned to become as complicated as she was when she discovered that her husband's first love is his best friend. and she was so depressed because back then she overheard how her husband believes that he can only fall in love once in this life time.

and at the end she ruined her own brightness and confident with insecurity about how different she is from his first love and that she couldn't compete or even get close to that image.

--
just now i thought of the kind of comic if i were to become the writer. there's always a character in my head who lead a simple life and started to take notice about how simple messages from a friend has been cheering her up. quietly and slowly, he took up a space in her heart.

now that i think about it, it really happened to me in my real life too.

out of these stories in my head, i have never have an ending for them. i didn't have the courage to write a good ending the girl in my stories deserves.

---
moral of my story? your inner world creates your outer world.

"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you is nothing when compared to what lies within you"
Robin Sharma , The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari.

may i soon gain the wisdom that i need to properly and fully let my heart understand that up and downs are just what it is. that he is just like a sunset scene. fleeting. mesmerizing, but not to be hold on to.

i wonder how long more will it takes to clear it out. all of it.

doors and goodbye

in the book im currently reading, there's a line that intrigue me:

when one door closes, Universe will make sure another one opens.

it says, it's just the natural law.

it works well for my freelancing work. really.

now i have to stop looking behind. if we will meet again one day, i have to believe it is for the better. if we dont, then it is also for the better.

i had also just finished 'think like a man act like a lady' inside, it shows how a man shows his affection in a form different from the way girls do it. how to identify it. how to appreciate it.

if i had read that book before, i would have known how he felt about me and wont be left so much in doubt about one sided feeling.

but again, everything happens for a reason.

at least, now i know. and still so much more to keep learning about.

so, goodbye..

failed plan

my plan failed. seems that he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.

to be honest, by knowing that he felt the same as i do, childish and self centred, i feel so much lighter.

it really surprise me that he apologize first before i could say it, although just by text message. what he said was exactly what i will say. that i was childish and only focus on my own feeling.

no wonder it didn't work out for us.

by knowing that it wasn't wholly my fault, i can forgive myself better now.

so it's been a week since i started talking to him casually.

i wonder if i should write a proper explanation, explaining why i approached him so carelessly when it was me myself and i who said i would keep a distance from him.

should i make my intention clear or just keep it to myself now?

my intention? i just want us to be friend again. no hard feeling. no regret.